I have been slightly worried that this post is going to sound one part bitter, one part angry feminist and one part crazy girl who already has a wedding planned but it is my heart and my heart is beautiful so who cares. If you do care, then you should probably just stop reading.
I am single. There I said it. Haha. That’s actually a joke because anyone who knows me would know that I am in fact single. But this is a topic I have been SO reluctant to talk about and have quite frankly stubbornly refused to even acknowledge with serious thought. I have resisted reading books about it or listening to podcasts on it. I just don’t want to talk about the fact that I am single. You’re probably reading this and thinking I don’t want to talk about it because I’m just so lonely it will make me sad but that actually isn’t the truth at all. I don’t want to talk about it because I REALLY love my life and because I’m just a super appeasing individual who goes with the flow (jk, that ain’t true), I love it when people assume that if I’m single, I’m sad or lonely or think less of myself. In case you didn’t pick up on that sarcasm, I hate it when people assume things about me, especially about how I feel, because 1) how I feel is entirely up to me and is my responsibility alone and 2) I will tell you how I feel so you really don’t need to guess. (I warned you, one part bitter, one part angry, one part crazy.)
Anyway, I have been so resistant because I have never seen myself as less or sad or lonely for being single and somehow by not acknowledging that part of me, or not talking about it, I was in my head at least, telling the world how happy I am and how much I didn’t need to be in a relationship to be whole. But truthfully, by not acknowledging it I was also not acknowledging some of the dreams in my heart. So here I am acknowledging it for all the world to see.
Okay, here is that bitter angry part. I am really tired of being viewed as less because of my relationship status. I am tired of being viewed as incomplete or not whole or less capable. I am so tired of being viewed as less of a leader or less of an adult. I would like to tell you this has not been an issue in my life. I would like to tell you that no one has ever so condescendingly ignored any information coming out of my mouth because well, how could I possibly understand because I’m single. I would like to tell you that every door has been opened to me in the church world simply because I am crazy in love with Jesus and my relationship status has never been a factor in determining what I can handle, take on or am capable of in the eyes of others (I am also a woman so that's a whole other ball game). I would love to tell you that no one has ever asked me how I am handling being “older” and still single in a casual conversation because somehow 25 became old (I was actually younger when they asked me) and being single became something that needed to be handled. I would love to tell you that these things never affected me, that my confidence was never rattled and that they never hurt. I would love to tell you I never felt like less (of a woman, of an adult, of a Christian, of an attractive person, you name it). I would love to tell you those things but I can’t. I CAN tell you that it gets a little bit better every day, every year and in every season and I find myself more fully accepted as I am in this season of my life than ever before. There are many people that have had worse and have paved the way and I am so grateful for my current life stage. This is the best it has ever been.
I am not as naive to think that I have any grasp on what married life is like because I don’t. I'm not even going to pretend that I do. I have no idea. I know that there are things I will learn through getting married someday that I won’t be able to learn any other way. I would never pretend to understand married life because I don't. But I DO understand getting food poison and having to clean up my own vomit while you're still very sick so you can sit on the toilet. I do understand moving across the country by myself. I do understand going through significant trauma and feeling all alone. I do understand figuring out insurance and student loan payments and paying off debt and taking care of my car, my life, myself, my friendships, my finances, stepping into my calling as a single person. I do understand working on holidays because I am single and live far from any family. I do understand not knowing where I am going to live next because all my roommates keep getting married! Hahaha.
Okay, here comes the “crazy” lady part. This year God has done tremendous things in my life in the areas of marriage and relationships. I don’t want to be sharing ANY of this with you all because it feels so vulnerable to me but whatever, think less of me if you want :). Back to the point. God has done tremendous things in me and I have a confession; I want to get married. I want to have an awkward first date. I want to get to the point of really letting myself love someone even if I don’t have reassurances that they will love me back and lean into how scary that is. I want to be told I’m beautiful. I want to be taken care of. I want someone else to be contributing to student loans and rent. I want to make supper for someone and them to like it. I was get all dressed up and fix my hair fancy and stand up in front of a bunch of people and talk about how much I never thought the day would come when I would get to be the bride. I want to fight with someone and know they are stuck with me so we have to work it out. I want to have babies and disagree on names but pick a perfect one anyway. I want to invite someone into my world and ask them their opinion. I want them to love my friends. I want to face whatever life brings with someone at my side.
It took me so long to admit these things. It took me so long to admit that to my own heart, much less say it. Because the truth is I am no less because I am single. My life is no less full and no less rich and no less fulfilled. I am capable. I am a leader. I am confident. I am heathy. But I also want more for my life than I currently have. There is no shame in being single. There is no shame in wanting more. There is no shame in being sad or feeling lonely. And there is no shame in feeling righteous indignation when someone thinks less of you because you aren’t married. There is no shame.
I am single. I am 25. It has been over a year since I went on a date (and I asked him out). I’m celebrating girls who I mentored as a college graduate when they were 18 years old and they are now walking down the aisle. I am showing up and loving them well and meaning every second of it. I may have less prospects than I did in college or, let's be honest, even high school but I have SO MUCH HOPE. And hoping for something that big without any evidence that it could come true and admitting this hope and believing this hope and investing in this hope (ya’ll know I have a wedding fund jar), that is vulnerable. And admitting that sometimes I am sad and sometimes I do feel like less and sometimes I want someone to reassure me that I'm not, that is vulnerable. Vulnerability and shame cannot coexist, so between the two, I will choose vulnerability. (Just call me the Vulnerability Queen)
Ultimately, this comes down to the shame lie that you are “not enough” because of your lack of a life partner. You are more than enough. You are freaking amazing. You look good because you want to but also catching the attention of the cute boy you’ve been crushing on for months. You are paying your bills and conquering the world, one homemade meal at a time. You fed yourself today. You are winning this adult game. You are loving your friends and letting yourself be seen. You are worth every dime you spend on yourself. Save for your wedding. Go after your dreams. Celebrate your friends. Tell them when you’re sad. You're sadness doesn’t take away from their dreams and their joy won’t deter yours. God has more than enough to go around. Be there.
So I say, be single and be freaking happy. Be single and be freaking sad. Be single and be lonely and cry and rant at your friends and eat Starbursts (or whatever). Be single and ask the person out. Be single and say yes. Be single and love your life. Be single and wish for more. Be single and lean into the scary, vulnerable hopes for your future. Also, go on dates. Lots of them if you want. And get engaged and get married and make babies and buy houses and buy puppies and make brownies and start families and live fully secure that who you are is enough and you are no less. Do all of these things. Or don’t do any of them. You are enough, just as you are. #ShameFreeSaturday
