I'm gay. And couldn't come up with a better title.

Disclaimer: within this letter, I make references to church, ministries and religion. I do not make any of these references by name. This letter is not intended to speak ill of anyone, to blame anyone or to be used as evidence against any particular people or organizations. I have had the great experience of being a part of many organizations and churches that provided love, support, friendship and community during so many times in my life. I am not anti-God or anti-church. In fact, I was in church on Sunday and loved being there. This is my experience. That is all it is intended for.

Hello my friends. Some of you, I have known for as long as I can remember and some of you have only recently come into my life. I have always considered myself to be so fortunate that despite the many times my family and myself have moved or transferred or started over, I still have people around the world who care deeply for me.

The last 5 years have been a lot. I don’t even know if there are words for the amount of heartache and change and joy and growth that I have experienced since I graduated college. I have let go of dreams and embraced all new ones. I have changed plans, made course corrections, had crushes and thought I was in love a few times, picked up habits and broken them. I have gained and lost friends. I have forgiven and I have held grudges. I have changed my mind, switched sides, flipped loyalties, and outgrown my old opinions. I don’t see this as a betrayal to myself but rather an effort to continually grow, learn and embrace. Changing, admitting you’re wrong and grieving your mistakes is not about denying yourself or who you were, but rather allowing the full you, the real you to continue to thrive and to always break through to the surface.

That is what I have done. I have faced every change and every trauma and every heartbreak. I haven’t done it all perfectly. I can’t say that I haven’t left casualties in the wake of my grief. I can’t say that I never grew angry and that hatred never became my motivation because it did. I have been angry and I have been hurt and I have been truthful and I have been miserable and I have been wrong and above all, I have been myself. I have always, always been the most honest version of myself that I could. For that I am proud.

Many people have watched this journey. I somehow manage to be a private person who tells everyone everything. I usually face every change with a season of withdrawal and reflection before once again emerging fully confident in the person I am, unashamed of all the words I have to say. I know I’m probably getting it wrong most of the time but I would rather be wrong. I would rather get it all wrong and make messes that need to be cleaned up than live in a tidy world of being afraid of making a mistake. My mistakes have been many and my sorrows considerable but the overwhelming confidence I feel is undeniable.

Here I am at a new season of change. One that has been coming for a very, very long time and one for which I am relieved is finally here. I have spent my entire life, childhood and adulthood believing in the traditional Christian values as they have been taught to me. I have had so many beautiful experiences in the name of that faith and in the pursuit of that life. I have also faced significant rejection and heartache as I have stumbled through my twenties, desperately trying to understand what being a kind, loving, open, changeable, truthful, normal, vulnerable, strong human means.

Along with many of the commonly taught principles of the Christian faith, I for a long time have believed that homosexuality and same sex attraction were sins. They were struggles some were plighted with, all were susceptible to but everyone could overcome. This is something I now know so emphatically in my heart to be false.  I cannot express my sorrow for all of the ways I unknowingly and blindly contributed to the repression, rejection and suffering of so many people.

I had always, always been sensitive to the suffering of people around the world. Hunger, war, disease, lack of education and access in Third World countries would drive me to tears as a child. It was not until I went to college and began studying social work that my eyes became opened to the systematic, built-in injustices that we have created in my own country and the ways that my religion has contributed to those things, no matter what the intentions were. In was then that my heart towards the LGBTQ community began to grow and I just barely started looking at things I was being taught. However, like most things that poke at the foundation we have built our identity on, this was far too painful to truly examine. If the church could be so obviously wrong about this. If I could have been so, so plainly wrong about this, what else, what other “truths” that I had spent my whole life clinging to could also be so, so wrong. It was realty too painful to examine with any amount of truth so shoved the questions deep inside myself until it became a wound of betrayal, festering in its desperate attempt for air.

Like all festering wounds, this could not be ignored. So I would reexamine this. I would dress it up and present it in a new way that allowed me to love people the way I desperately wanted to without feeling like I was betraying what I had been raised to believe. I twisted it so I could feel justified holding onto my idea of being a Christian because that was something I simply did not know how to let go of. I twisted myself and my thoughts and my desires and my ideas into a shape that would fit the Christian size hole that barred the entrance to the community and family and identity I had always known. That hole never used to feel small or confining. When I was a child, I passed through that hole with ease. Like walking into the church building on a Sunday morning, the doors were wide open to me but as I grew, the hole became smaller and more defined and more confined until I had contort myself into an unrecognizable shape in order to fit through. Like a messed up game of Alice in Wonderland where the fate of your very immortal soul in this life and the next was all dependent on how well you could make yourself fit.

Not everyone seemed to be struggling with this ever shrinking hole of acceptance. In fact, for some people it felt as if the older they got and the more time went on, the wider the hole became, the more accepted their shapes were. This religion made room for their growth and their gain. I watched with envy as the friends I knew continued to walk through the doors and cried myself to sleep as I began to realize what worked for them would never, ever work for me. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to fit and didn’t want to follow the rules and didn’t want to be everything I was “supposed” to be. I wanted to do all of those things. I tried for years to be all of those things. But something inside of me simply could no longer fold itself up into something that it wasn’t. The cost of making myself into a convenient package for others was losing parts of myself. Fitting into the ideas of my religion I had always believed was like standing in front a tiny church looking in at the half-maimed people inside. “It’s okay,” they said, “You don’t need both arms. Just chop off a limb or two and you will fit in just fine.” How sad that no one ever told them they could make a bigger door.

I am going to take a moment here to say something that needs to be said. This overwhelming feeling of not being able to fit was not the result of things other people had said to me. I was never verbally rejected or told that I did not belong. In fact a lot of people have probably been confused on why I pulled back so much, which is why I am here, writing this letter. I have been very, very, very loved and I am very, very, very grateful.

I have spent the last twelve months standing on the outside of that door, that hole, looking in. Confused at why I don’t fit anymore. Desperate in my attempt to figure out what is so wrong with me. “Why isn’t this working anymore?”, was the desperate scream inside my head. Begging the void to answer me. The thing is, I am not angry. I have not been bitter. I have been so very sad. And then it happened, the true break. When I was faced with the decision to choose a side and I did. What caused this final break? A friend of mine was told he could not be on church leadership because he was gay.

He is gay and he loves Jesus. He is gay and is single. He is gay and he has been doing everything he can to stay within the rules so he can fit in the hole; so he can get through the door.  And because of who he was, he was told that he could not participate. That he could not offer his praises and his songs and his service and his sacrifice to the Lord. I was leading a ministry that I had started at the time that was connected to a church and because of this, my friend never asked if he could participate because he assumed my answer would be the same, “No, we don’t have a space for your kind”. When I found this out, I was distraught and heart broken. I wept. I wept for many days.

I kept my struggles to myself and did not share them with very many. To stand up for the victimized sometimes means to become a victim yourself and I was too afraid to face the rejection of being pro LGBTQ and pro God and pro church. So for a while I said nothing and all of these feelings and thoughts and hurts and doubts stirred inside as I wrestled with what kind of human I wanted to be. The kind who would say nothing or the kind who would say everything.

I stepped down from church leadership a few months ago. It was devastating for a time but has healed itself slowly. I was so saddened by my need to leave but resolute in the conviction that I could not be a part of something that didn’t make room for everyone. And I mean everyone. At first I kept quiet about my reasons for stepping down and stepping away. I would share half-truths about the reasons I left. Partly because I was afraid of the rejection I would face and partly because I didn’t know what to do with the painful looks back on the faces of those who loved me but didn’t know how to love my ideas. I am not very good at staying silent so of course the real reasons and my anger and my frustrations have been making their way to the surface as I have been sorting through the voices crowding my own head about what is and is not a sin and what sin even means and who God actually is and what it actually means to be loved by Him.

So I pulled away, as I normally do. I stopped going to church. Not because I didn’t want to go or because I didn’t want to believe but because I was so tired of feeling like shit all of the time. Because I just wanted to be happy and not have to worry about not fitting or what I was standing for or against and because I was just so tired.

In the months since I stopped going to church, I have discovered a lot of things. First of all, I love sleeping in on Sunday mornings. Seriously glorious. Secondly, I discovered a whole group of people who are amazing and who want to talk about real things like sex and fears and that shit that happens in the world. And I really like these people. And lastly, I have finally, finally let myself say out loud and admit to what I have always known. I am gay.

After months of therapy and tears and panicking feelings of trying to figure out why going on dates left me feeling petrified and why I could never stomach the idea of intimacy with a man or why after spending my whole life within a system I couldn’t fit anymore, I realized that I had been miserably trying to force myself to do something that I couldn’t do; that I would never be able to do. And the relief of this revelation is indescribable.

I am gay and I’m so freaking ecstatic. For the first time in I don’t know how long, a future with someone actually seems possible. Love actually seems possible. Marriage actually seems possible. I had long resigned myself to single life because the sick feeling in my stomach I got whenever I tried to date a man was such an anguishing feeling, I simply couldn’t do it anymore.

I’m gay and I’ve never been prouder of myself. The day I came out, I wept with such joy and such freedom. I felt God in my tears. I felt God in my freedom. I felt God in the sweet, sweet redeeming feeling that there was nothing wrong with me. That I didn’t need to fit into anymore holes or anymore doors or anymore more systems or religions or churches or groups that need me to shut down a part of who I am to appease their best interpretation of what “goodness” looks like.

For those of you who are shocked or saddened by this news, I wish I could tell you I was sorry. But I am not. I’m not sorry. I can tell you that my wish for you is that whatever you choose to believe, you believe so with your eyes wide open, conscious to the consequences. My wish for you is that you might feel the depth of my love and gratitude for you on the part you have played in my journey so far. My wish for you is that wherever you are reading this, you find comfort and joy in knowing that you are not responsible for me or the choices I have made.

I don’t owe you an explanation. I don’t owe anyone explanation. I don’t owe you my story and I have no plans on giving you those details. I am not interested in giving you the gory details of “how I know” or “when I found out” because quite frankly, that is none of your damn business. So I don’t offer this letter as an explanation but rather an invitation. An invitation for you to explore all of the reasons within your heart that you believe the things you believe.

I am gay. And I am so happy and so proud and so relieved.

Everyone is Engaged

Everyone is engaged. Except for me.

Here I am talking about singleness again which is one of my least favorite topics to discuss but here it is, coming back up in my heart.

Let me explain why it is one of my least favorite topics to discuss. This weekend, I managed to hang out with friends, shovel the mountains of snow out of the driveway (at at least half of it before I had some help 😉), do all of my laundry, clean my room, participate in our church’s prayer meeting, knit a whole bunch, do my grocery shopping and cooking for the week and wear the heck out of my new lipstick. All of this done while battling through some pretty bad back pain and a migraine. To be honest, it was kind of an unproductive weekend for me. 

My point in all of this? I have a beautiful life. In the middle of this productivity and resting off back pain and headaches, I was overwhelmed by an immense sense of gratitude that I was near tears. I did all of those things and felt all of that joy, without a man by my side.

That is why I hate talking about being single because there is so much more to me than my relationship status and I don’t feel like I am living in lack. That is my truth. I don’t live in lack.

On the other side of this truth is the fact that in the last three years of living in Fargo, I have moved four times, the most recent of these moves was about two weeks ago. Of those four times, three of them have happened because at least one of my roommates have become engaged. 

I have moved three times in the last three years because of other people’s engagements. 

Being a forever bridesmaid sucks sometimes. Being a bridesmaid a bunch of times while being single? That really sucks sometimes. I have felt some bitterness about it before. But to be honest, it’s also one of the most beautiful parts of my life so far. I have been a maid of honor once. I have been a bridesmaid four times. I have been a personal attendant twice. I have been the wedding scripture reader once. I have been in charge of decorations and the food table at another wedding and coming up next month, I’ll be running the coffee table in another wedding. 

I have spent countless dollars and time and energy celebrating other people. I have washed potatoes in bathtubs, picked wildflowers, had things waxed, polished and curled. I have hung lights, bought dresses I only wore once, walked through muddy fields in heels, stood outside with bees on my arms. I have ironed ties and napkins with hair straighteners and melted down candles so they would stand up in candle sticks too large. I have stayed up late and gotten up early. I have met people in small towns to pick up flowers, taken car rides with wedding cakes in my lap and set up chairs. I have held tissues, addressed envelopes and made floral arrangements. I have written speeches, I have cried many tears and I have flown across the country to be in weddings. I have handled meltdowns, stress, passive aggressive behavior and overbearing family members. I have done all of this in the pursuit of other people’s happily ever afters.

I am sitting here prepping to be the maid of honor for my baby sister’s wedding a few months away. I bought my dress, I am saving for my ticket and I am making invites for the bridal shower.

I have done all of this while being very, very single. 

In spite of all the unfulfilled dreams in my heart, celebrating other people’s big days have been some of the best, most joy filled memories of my life. 

I have heard friends make promises that the world says are out of date but I know they mean them with their whole hearts. I have cried with them. Laughed with them. Hugged them and danced with them. I have gotten all dolled up and had my picture taken. I have eaten LOTS of leftover wedding cake. I have beautiful dried wedding bouquets hanging in my bedroom. I have been privilege to the most intimate parts of the biggest days of people’s lives. 

I have seen and known and met single women who have struggled so much when their friends or family members become engaged. I empathize with their struggles. I have had my moments. And if you are one of those women then listen to me when I say, I feel you! It is so hard to get excited when your friends seems to be getting all of the things you have been hoping for. But can I be honest with you? Being single is actually not an excuse for making someone else’s happiness about you.

There I said it. Sorry if that stings a little but if so, you probably needed to hear it. Somewhere along the way, we bought into this lie that life only holds so much happiness. Believe it or not, joy is an endless resource. The earth doesn’t have a limited supply of happiness and we don’t have to fight to preserve it and hoard it for ourselves.

When someone else receives joy, it doesn’t have to take away from ours. Turns out, there is more than enough for all of us. And the more you give, the more you receive. Your dreams are not automatically delayed because someone else’s are fulfilled. You, just like myself, are capable of grieving your own disappointment while also rejoicing along with someone else. Maybe not at the same time, maybe not on the same day. But just like there is time to celebrate them, there is time for your heart to grieve as well. (In case you are wondering, this whole endless joy applies dream jobs, children, success, not just engagements).

Take the time to grieve. You need that time. Make room. But your friend’s bachelorette party or the first hour of their engagement is really not the time. And, honestly, if you are feeling sad because you’re single while everyone else seems engaged, trust your engaged friends and your friendship with them enough to talk to them about it. 

For two years, I lived with my best friend Katie. The entire time we were roommates, I played the part of third wheel to Katie and her boyfriend Blake. I was overjoyed when they got engaged. I was so excited on their wedding day and I sobbed like a baby when I packed up the room Katie and I shared afterwards. I loved Katie with all I had during that season. Her wedding day was one of the best days of my life. And I really grieved afterwards. 

Blake recently told me that he feels bad about taking my roommate and I told him that still missed living with Katie but I would never for once let my own wants keep me from loving her wedding day, loving her husband or loving the woman she has now become. I miss our single days together. I miss when she had more time to spend with me. But because I chose to love Katie well and embrace the honor of being her third wheel we can talk about my grief and my feelings without awkwardness or bitterness. I fully accepted all of her feelings of joy and she can fully accept all of my feelings of sadness.

I have never been rejected from engaged friends by including them into that part of my heart. I have had amazing examples of friends who haven’t treated me any different because of my singleness or because of my pain. But unfortunately that isn’t always the case.  If you are engaged or married, love your single friends well. They need to know you’ll be there on the other side of their grief. And guess what, their sadness, grief and disappointment doesn’t have to take away from your joy. There’s enough to go around remember? :) 

Huge shout out to the friends who have loved me well!!! 

Let this be the year you embrace your single heart with gentleness and your engaged friends with joy. Love your engaged friends. Love your married friends. Love your dating friends. Love your single friends. If you’re having a hard time celebrating them, let them know. And if you’re feeling sad, let them know. Give your heart the space and room to grieve so you can be fully and joyously present at every bridal shower, bachelorette party, engagement announcement and wedding ceremony this year. 

Let's Talk Failure

Let’s talk failure. Sounds really fun right?

We are officially in the season of resolutions and goal setting. People are inspired by the new year and feel that this is the perfect time to do all of the things they weren’t able to do last year. It sounds nice in theory but let’s be honest, suddenly expecting to become good at things that you weren’t before because the date has changed is basically setting ourselves up for failure.

Some people really love resolutions and goals and some people thrive with health on pushing themselves all of the time but I don’t know very many of those people. In 2017, I learned a lot of things. I learned a lot about myself (enneagram, holla). I learned a lot about the way I process and I learned a lot about the lies that I have believed and the shame that has run rampant in my life. 

A few months ago, I woke up and the first thought I had that day was how much I had already failed. It was before 5:00 AM and I had already failed. How is that even possible? My mind was running through the to-do list I had made the day before and all of the unchecked items on it. I had just woken up and already my mind was filled with all of my inadequacies. Last September and into October, I completed the Whole30. It was much harder than I had anticipated and yet like everything I take on in my life, I threw myself into it with a force that could rival a hurricane. I lost over seventeen pounds, my acne almost disappeared, I swear my hair even looked better and I received more compliments than probably any other period in my life. Those were not the goals or aims of doing Whole30 and yet, with every pound I gained back and every zit that reappeared on my face and every compliment I did not receive, this overwhelming sense of failure weighed heavier and heavier upon my life and heart. Whole30 is expensive and trips and holidays and stressful days led to just making sure I was fed,not being able to care if it was sugar, dairy and glutton free. 

Day 2 of Whole30
Eating pizza because I can

For weeks, I struggled with this almost overpowering sense of failure. It left me feeling insecure and caused me to avoid my responsibilities with an even greater frequency. The shame of “failing” at Whole30 caused me to hide away in fear of failing again at other things. I am 25 years old. I have the confidence and tenacity of someone young enough to not know what I can’t accomplish but I’ve also faced enough disappointment to understand how much work dream fulfillment can be. However, this is not the stage of life that I anticipated I would be in at this stage. For example, I just moved into the basement of my friend’s house with three lovely roommates. To say that I am grateful is a gross understatement. I love my new home. However, this is my fifth home in the last three and half years, three out of the five because one of my roommates became engaged. Did I expect that at 25 I would have neither the financial security nor the relationship statues to procure my own home? No, I did not. And because I have not been able to will my dream job or will my husband or home into existence, I have struggled to believe in the measure of my worth. 

Oddly enough, once I saw myself as a failure, I soon saw evidence of this everywhere. I saw myself as a failure in my finances, my job, my relationships. I was sobbing on the couch on the phone with my little sister, crying about the fact that I couldn't afford to buy a new bra. Looking back at that day, all I can do is laugh but at the time this felt like the epitome of failure: not being able to take care of myself. My sister sent me a gift card to help me out and I cried even more. She sent me this gift completely out of love and generosity but all it did was cause me more shame. My little sister who I had always taken care of emotionally and otherwise was now taking care of me. That in my mind was unacceptable. I was talking to my counselor about this (yes, I go to counseling regularly). I spent basically the entire session crying and telling her about all of the ways that I was failing. She stopped me and said, "Why is that failure?". I was so taken aback by this question. I had no idea how to respond so she said it is again, "What if that is not failure?". 

What if that wasn't failure? What if gaining weight wasn't failure? What if running out of money wasn't failure? What if needing help wasn't failure? What if quitting wasn't failure? What if that thing you are really ashamed about isn't actual failure?

These questions completely altered my thinking. I decided to make a list of all of the things that I expected myself to complete in a twenty-four hour period. When I counted all of those things, I realized that it was completely unrealistic. There was literally not enough time in the day to complete all of those things, much less complete all of those things, sleep, retain my mental health and you know, laugh. 

There are so many messages we receive all day along about who we should be and what we should do. 

Do more. Be more. Eat healthier. Work out more. Cross more things off the to-do list. Clean your room. Do Whole30. Become paleo. Run marathons. Do your makeup. Fix your hair. Wear fashionable and unique clothing that keeps up with the ever changing demands of style. Make enough money to retire because social security is all gone and the housing market is terrible so if you haven’t saved a million dollars by the time you are thirty you will live a terrible life and work yourself into your death bed. Make sure you make friends and have parties and take really good photos and travel the world and throw your hands up in protest at everything. And while you are doing all of these things, be really chill and really cool and make sure that it is Instagram worthy and epic and for goodness sake, always, always make sure you are surrounded by really good lighting. 

And if we don't do all of these excellently at every minute while also looking flawless then we are failing. 

Seriously guys, it is freaking exhausting. And yet, we do this to ourselves every single day. The truth is, your productivity does not prove your worth. Your accomplishments does not prove your value. And your Instagram following does not prove your significance. 

There is a new thought that I have told myself every time that I feel my life is less. Every time I feel inadequate or somehow behind where I should be, I ask myself a new question. What if the greatest accomplishment and the biggest achievement of my twenties has nothing to do with the  job I get, the person I marry, the loans I do or do not pay off, the things I cross off of my bucket list, the epic things I do. What if the greatest thing I am meant to do in this stage of life is simply to live everyday believing the truth that my worth is not built on the things I do or the things I accomplish? To let life’s events happen as they may and let the truth of my value as a friend, a daughter, a leader, a woman remain constant and unmoved no matter the circumstances I find myself in would be an accomplishment indeed and well worth it, even if it took me a lifetime. 

This new thought has brought so much healing to my heart. It has beat down the shame lies. It has opened the doors for more dreams and more love in my life. I have been more productive in the last few months of not trying to. I have accomplished more, tried more new things, been more hopeful and have loved my life even more since I stopped measuring the significance of my life upon the effectiveness of my time management skills and stopped negatively comparing my life in present to everything my 16 year old self thought it should be. 

Let's pretend for just a second that I am a counselor and you are telling me about all your perceived failures. Here's what I have to say. What if that isn't failure?

My wish for you in 2018 is that no matter what circumstances surround your life, you would have joy, love and you would know the value of your own soul. 

These are my New Year’s resolutions for 2018; 

1. to take more naps
2. to have more fun
3. to take care of myself
4. to be on time for work every day (for practicality’s sake).

I know we are only a week in, but it has been really great so far. 

Single. That's a super fun word.

I have been slightly worried that this post is going to sound one part bitter, one part angry feminist and one part crazy girl who already has a wedding planned but it is my heart and my heart is beautiful so who cares. If you do care, then you should probably just stop reading. 

I am single. There I said it. Haha. That’s actually a joke because anyone who knows me would know that I am in fact single. But this is a topic I have been SO reluctant to talk about and have quite frankly stubbornly refused to even acknowledge with serious thought. I have resisted reading books about it or listening to podcasts on it. I just don’t want to talk about the fact that I am single. You’re probably reading this and thinking I don’t want to talk about it because I’m just so lonely it will make me sad but that actually isn’t the truth at all. I don’t want to talk about it because I REALLY love my life and because I’m just a super appeasing individual who goes with the flow (jk, that ain’t true), I love it when people assume that if I’m single, I’m sad or lonely or think less of myself. In case you didn’t pick up on that sarcasm, I hate it when people assume things about me, especially about how I feel, because 1) how I feel is entirely up to me and is my responsibility alone and 2) I will tell you how I feel so you really don’t need to guess. (I warned you, one part bitter, one part angry, one part crazy.)

Anyway, I have been so resistant because I have never seen myself as less or sad or lonely for being single and somehow by not acknowledging that part of me, or not talking about it, I was in my head at least, telling the world how happy I am and how much I didn’t need to be in a relationship to be whole. But truthfully, by not acknowledging it I was also not acknowledging some of the dreams in my heart. So here I am acknowledging it for all the world to see. 

Okay, here is that bitter angry part. I am really tired of being viewed as less because of my relationship status. I am tired of being viewed as incomplete or not whole or less capable. I am so tired of being viewed as less of a leader or less of an adult. I would like to tell you this has not been an issue in my life. I would like to tell you that no one has ever so condescendingly ignored any information coming out of my mouth because well, how could I possibly understand because I’m single. I would like to tell you that every door has been opened to me in the church world simply because I am crazy in love with Jesus and my relationship status has never been a factor in determining what I can handle, take on or am capable of in the eyes of others (I am also a woman so that's a whole other ball game). I would love to tell you that no one has ever asked me how I am handling being “older” and still single in a casual conversation because somehow 25 became old (I was actually younger when they asked me) and being single became something that needed to be handled. I would love to tell you that these things never affected me, that my confidence was never rattled and that they never hurt. I would love to tell you I never felt like less (of a woman, of an adult, of a Christian, of an attractive person, you name it). I would love to tell you those things but I can’t. I CAN tell you that it gets a little bit better every day, every year and in every season and I find myself more fully accepted as I am in this season of my life than ever before. There are many people that have had worse and have paved the way and I am so grateful for my current life stage. This is the best it has ever been. 

I am not as naive to think that I have any grasp on what married life is like because I don’t. I'm not even going to pretend that I do. I have no idea. I know that there are things I will learn through getting married someday that I won’t be able to learn any other way. I would never pretend to understand married life because I don't. But I DO understand getting food poison and having to clean up my own vomit while you're still very sick so you can sit on the toilet. I do understand moving across the country by myself. I do understand going through significant trauma and feeling all alone. I do understand figuring out insurance and student loan payments and paying off debt and taking care of my car, my life, myself, my friendships, my finances, stepping into my calling as a single person. I do understand working on holidays because I am single and live far from any family. I do understand not knowing where I am going to live next because all my roommates keep getting married! Hahaha. 

Okay, here comes the “crazy” lady part. This year God has done tremendous things in my life in the areas of marriage and relationships. I don’t want to be sharing ANY of this with you all because it feels so vulnerable to me but whatever, think less of me if you want :). Back to the point. God has done tremendous things in me and I have a confession; I want to get married. I want to have an awkward first date. I want to get to the point of really letting myself love someone even if I don’t have reassurances that they will love me back and lean into how scary that is. I want to be told I’m beautiful. I want to be taken care of. I want someone else to be contributing to student loans and rent. I want to make supper for someone and them to like it. I was get all dressed up and fix my hair fancy and stand up in front of a bunch of people and talk about how much I never thought the day would come when I would get to be the bride. I want to fight with someone and know they are stuck with me so we have to work it out. I want to have babies and disagree on names but pick a perfect one anyway. I want to invite someone into my world and ask them their opinion. I want them to love my friends. I want to face whatever life brings with someone at my side. 

It took me so long to admit these things. It took me so long to admit that to my own heart, much less say it. Because the truth is I am no less because I am single. My life is no less full and no less rich and no less fulfilled. I am capable. I am a leader. I am confident. I am heathy. But I also want more for my life than I currently have. There is no shame in being single. There is no shame in wanting more. There is no shame in being sad or feeling lonely. And there is no shame in feeling righteous indignation when someone thinks less of you because you aren’t married. There is no shame.

I am single. I am 25. It has been over a year since I went on a date (and I asked him out). I’m celebrating girls who I mentored as a college graduate when they were 18 years old and they are now walking down the aisle. I am showing up and loving them well and meaning every second of it. I may have less prospects than I did in college or, let's be honest, even high school but I have SO MUCH HOPE. And hoping for something that big without any evidence that it could come true and admitting this hope and believing this hope and investing in this hope (ya’ll know I have a wedding fund jar), that is vulnerable. And admitting that sometimes I am sad and sometimes I do feel like less and sometimes I want someone to reassure me that I'm not, that is vulnerable. Vulnerability and shame cannot coexist, so between the two, I will choose vulnerability. (Just call me the Vulnerability Queen)

Ultimately, this comes down to the shame lie that you are “not enough” because of your lack of a life partner. You are more than enough. You are freaking amazing. You look good because you want to but also catching the attention of the cute boy you’ve been crushing on for months. You are paying your bills and conquering the world, one homemade meal at a time. You fed yourself today. You are winning this adult game. You are loving your friends and letting yourself be seen. You are worth every dime you spend on yourself. Save for your wedding. Go after your dreams. Celebrate your friends. Tell them when you’re sad. You're sadness doesn’t take away from their dreams and their joy won’t deter yours. God has more than enough to go around. Be there. 

So I say, be single and be freaking happy. Be single and be freaking sad. Be single and be lonely and cry and rant at your friends and eat Starbursts (or whatever). Be single and ask the person out. Be single and say yes. Be single and love your life. Be single and wish for more. Be single and lean into the scary, vulnerable hopes for your future. Also, go on dates. Lots of them if you want. And get engaged and get married and make babies and buy houses and buy puppies and make brownies and start families and live fully secure that who you are is enough and you are no less. Do all of these things. Or don’t do any of them. You are enough, just as you  are. #ShameFreeSaturday

Unbreakable Hope Hagerty

It all happened while I was watching Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Yeah, I know. I thought the show was absolutely ridiculous at first but my roommate started watching it and I had just finished all of the Harry Potter movies so I was without a series. Anyway, if you don't know what the show is about, I'll give you a brief summary. A woman named Kimmy was kidnapped and kept inside of a bunker for 15 years by a man posing a preacher who told all the women in the bunker that the apocolypse had happened and they were the last ones on earth. It sounds dark but it's actually really light hearted and incredibly goofy and in true Tina Fey fashion full of satire. The women are rescued and Kimmy moves to New York for a fresh start and despite spending most of her life in a bunker held captive by a crazy person who told her she was garbage all of the time, her spirit and joy are unbreakable. Yeah, this is already embarrassing me too.

Anyway, there is a part in which the preacher tries to tell Kimmy she is a "garbage person" and she begins to argue with him and he says something along the lines of, "One of these days I am going to break you." and Kimmy responds with joyful defiance, "No you won't". That has been my life this week. Or if I am going to be honest, most of my twenties.

This week I have been fighting for my identity. I have been fighting for the truth of who I am. I have been fighting to stand up and say I am worth it. I have been fighting the crap life throws and saying, "Oh no you won't."

I got rejected recently (see my last post for how I reacted to that). And it really, really hurt. My life has not turned out at all how I thought it was going to. And this rejection brought up some ugly hurts that have buried themselves deep in my heart. I sometimes wonder how I ended up quite where I am and I then I go oh yeah, remember all of those life altering things that happened in the last few years, yeah, that's how you ended up here. I have tried with all of my might to not consider myself a victim because quite frankly, despite the rough parts, I really love my life and because there are people in much worse circumstances. But I would be doing a discredit to the redemptive power of God, the loyalty of my friends and the resilience of my own Spirit if I did not fully acknowledge that I have been presented with some challenges and some real hurts that could have easily side-lined me. But they haven't. Here I am world, standing tall, unbreakable.


However, this week has been a fight for my identity. It has been a fight to see the value in who I am. I recently had a very significant encounter with Holy Spirit when I met the newborn son of some dear friends of mine. Peter is his name and we are great friends :) The first time I held Peter I was overwhelmed with an awe-inspiring awareness of how much God values me. As I held Peter, I knew that I loved him instantly and I honestly had been loving him before I even met him. Not because of his merits or works but because he as a person holds immense value. For the rest of his life, no matter what he does, nothing will ever take away from the awe I felt for him in that moment. And that is how God thinks of you every second of every day, all of the time! Honestly, He thinks even higher of you, because I am not a parent and if I can feel that way, than God's love must be about a million times more significant.

Just dwell on that for a second. You are SO loved that God made you just to love you and then moved Heaven and Earth to win your heart so you can be with Him in joy and truth and freedom and on top of that, He STILL shows up to comfort you and love you and tell you that you can do it. All of that is motivated by a heart of love that has seen you the same since the moment your born, at your highest high and lowest low. That is a some crazy big love.

I really let this revelation sink into my heart for a few weeks. I talked about it at Bible study. I even shared a Facebook live video about it. I am really grateful that God showed me that truth and I thought I would be perfectly content just sitting in awe of that for a while. And then I faced some rejection and waves of past hurt and trauma and insecurity came flooding at me. Suddenly I was sobbing and asking God what was wrong with me and where had I missed it? This is not my typical behavior.

The last few days have been interesting. I truly love my life. I am in awe of the things I get to do. I am full of hope and promise and the truth of God's goodness so I could not understand why tears seemed to be so near the surface. And while watching Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, I think I actually figured it out.

I had been allowing outward examples of "failure" or lack of success influence my own idea of my worth. I had forgotten the victories that God had already won for me and the battles I had come out of stronger. There are areas of lack in my life and things that I am not proud of. I have a big mouth sometimes that can get me in lots of trouble. I have a temper. I can sometimes be rash. When I feel a lot, which is basically all of the time, I am not one of those people that can throw themselves into work. Feelings make me physically tired which is really inconvenient. I have chosen my own mental and emotional health over what I "owe" someone else, every time. I resist anything that feels like confinement and would honestly, willingly be alone if that was only way to be free (Praise the Lord it is NOT!! Again, see last post). From a worldly standard, I have not been very successful post-college.

But you know what else, I have felt pain and come out more whole. I have seen despair and come out hopeful. I have faced many things. I have failed in many ways. I have forgiven easily and sometimes held onto bitterness. I have dug my feet for way longer than necessary and I have fallen on my knees exposing my weakness to the only One who can save me from myself. And I refuse to be side-lined or broken. I refuse to believe the lies that my worth is any less. I refuse to give up the freedom and courage and identity that Jesus fought so hard to give me. I needed the truth of God's immense, far-reaching, overpowering, unending love and acceptance to sink so deep in my heart, that no amount of rejection or failure can throw me. As I was watching this show I realized, that I am unbreakable, not because of my fight but because God already won it. I don't have to fight it anymore, I just have to be and let the truth sink in. I will not be broken. I will not listen to that "Garbage person" voice. Because I am Unbreakable Hope Hagerty.

So today, I put on some worship music and took a nap. Yeah, I fell asleep and let the God of the universe comfort my soul and speak to my heart. Because He loves me that big.

You don't need to listen to the Garbage Person voice in your life either. There are things that each of us battle with in terms of our worth. Whether it is your job or your weight or your looks or your relationship or lack there of or your own failures or your family or whatever it is that is yelling at you to be silent, to sit down and to stop. They will not break you because you are Unbreakable.

So if you are serious about this, write your new title down somewhere. Somewhere you will see it. You are Unbreakable Blankity Blank. And then let the truth of the immense love of God sink in. Let Him tell you are worth it. Let Him tell you that you can do it. Let Him remind you of your victorious past and your brilliant future. Let Him heal the rejection, the insecurities and the pain. Let Him tell you what you are capable of and how valuable you are.

Jesus won the battle. He has done it. And He did it for me. He did it for you too. God looked at me and said "She is so worth it." And I am letting God have the final say on that.

Lonely isn't Sexy

I have a very beautiful life and I consider myself to be a brave, independent, giving person despite of and in the midst of some really crappy things that have happened (yep, we're going to be really eloquent in this post). I get energized by new ideas and making things better and projects! I literally planned an entire business yesterday down to branding, staffing needs and merchandise in my head while at work. I am able to take on a lot of things and I can't seem to help myself but become a leader whenever there is an opportunity to do so. 

I consider myself pretty BA if I being honest so I pretty much reject the idea that fear or lack of talent or knowledge or time can keep me from doing anything. In fact, I get super energized when I fight those fears. It was once described that the core motivation for my personality type is "to be against". There is a fight within me that just won't quit. Which is a really beautiful thing. It has caused me to fight for the people I love. It has caused me to see the beauty in myself even when others haven't. It has driven to my knees in prayer over a city that needs Jesus. It has caused me to unashamedly scream and yell and cry and dance in worship because I know God has freedom waiting for those in the room. It has caused me to not shave in 4 months and still wear shorts this summer to prove that you don't need to shave to be beautiful (this one is for me, feel free to keep shaving).

The problem with this is, sometimes I don't know what is my fight and what isn't (I will probably need to read the book Boundaries every year for the rest of my life). I also forget that I have actual needs too sometimes. And sometimes, believe it or not, I need other people to fight for me too. I literally have Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still" tattooed on my arm so I remember that I'm really not doing this alone. 

I forget these things and then believe lies that as a leader I'm on my own until I get really disappointing news at the end of tough week and a stressful work day and I start sobbing uncontrollably and use an entire tissue box. Yesterday I sent out a "I'm not doing okay" text which for me means it's bad. Those texts don't happen often. It honestly takes a lot for me to ask people for help. Like a LOT. I might talk about it a few days later when I'll still cry about it but the bitterness isn't quite so raw. 

I have faced some really horrific things in my twenties if I am being honest. Things only God and some truly amazing people could ever get me through. I have seen and felt disappointment and I have come out stronger. I honestly have walked in so much freedom and victory and I have learned that I can face a heck of a lot more than I ever realized. I have become a conqueror and conquerors don't cry in bed and use whole boxes of tissues. Or at least that's one of the lies I have been believing.

But yesterday, the disappointment was too big for me to handle on my own. I couldn't wrap it up in a neat package and tie a bow of positivity around it with some statement like God has something better. God does have something better. He always does. That has never come into question. But yesterday, my heart wasn't concerned with the something better. My heart was yelling out "I know that but right now, this hurts real bad." 

I sent out my desperate SOS text because sobbing in bed on my own was not my idea of a good Thursday night. And truthfully, because with my extroverted heart, I probably would have just cried myself into a panic or a migraine and then felt stupid about it afterwards. So I sent out the text and was met with more grace and more love and more understanding than I could have imagined. Friends filled my soul with encouragement.

And I kept on crying. My best friend sent me all the encouragement and so many Bitmojis. My coworker friends texted me and told me what a hard worker I was and that God had better things. My friends invited me to come over for baby snuggles because holding newborns is good for my soul. I drove to my friend Noah's house where he hugged me and I didn't even hug him back because I was still crying so much. So I just sorta stood there with my arms pathetically hanging at my side. And then we were joined by our friend Lydia and drove around town until midnight eating Taco Bell and talking about hurts and dreams and God and boys who broke my heart (yeah, I was the only one with stories) and the business idea I had thought of.

I woke up to more texts this morning and a pile of tissues as a reminder of how vulnerable and how loved I am. 

I am not sure why I wrote all of this out but I know that I confronted a lot of heart lies about myself last night. A lot of lies that God and people proved wrong. I figured that if I have been believing these lies, someone else must be too. So here we go, lies that simply aren't true.

1. You are alone and it's cool that way.

Yep, this is a big one. I think I could write a book on how much this lie isn't true. You are NOT alone. And nor should you be. I think that somehow to cope with the disappointment of being lonely our society has created this sort of sexy, lone wolf character that is supposed to be really cool. They are in all of the movies. The artists, the sexually "free", the mysterious ones with leather jackets or quirky talents that ride into town with a broken past. They smell like trouble and freedom and before you know it you're climbing on the back of their motorcycle and leaving your stale life behind. You know what I'm talking about. Being alone doesn't make you sexy or cool or free or stronger or more brave or independent. It makes you alone and most likely sad and probably a little angry and insecure. You were meant to live in healthy community with other people. It is VERY possible to be cool and independent and unique and very yourself and very free and unashamed and you know what, even sexy, while living in whole, healthy, thriving, fun relationships with other people. It's called boundaries and the whole world needs to knows it. (Read the book if you haven't. If you have, read it again).

2. Having needs disqualifies you as a leader. 

I thought it was super funny that right after I posted a video about worth to The Burn Fargo Moorhead's Facebook I get this disappointment and had to fight all the lies that leaders don't need people. That is a very big lie. I am the director of the Burn Furnace here in Fargo. It is a role that is a dream come true and I have made it my mission to lead out of love. I violently communicate to people how free they are from any obligation and how valued they are for themselves, not for their talents or the ways they serve. I would rather people cancel on a worship set 5 minutes before than do anything out of obligation (and I mean that, it's happened). That just isn't what the Burn is about. It's not about obligation. I have given so much freedom to the people on our team to acknowledge their needs and care for their own hearts. But for myself? I haven't listened to my own heart at all. I have stubbornly and pridefully believed that I can take it all on and I don't need them. But let me just tell you, I need them. I need them big time. I need people who let me basically fall on them because actually hugging them seems too hard at the moment. I need people who know that "I'm not okay" means "Oh God, please help me." I need people who will drive me to Taco Bell and tell me their biggest concern is for me and my heart and not for the ministry we're leading. Crying like a fool and needing my friends doesn't make me too "unstable" for leadership. It doesn't mean that I can't handle it or I'm burnt out. It means that I am a human with needs. Needs I was ignoring until I couldn't and needs that required an entire tissue box. Haha 😂 But needs don't make me less, they make me real. 

3. Having emotion means you think less of God.

This one actually makes me mad sometimes when people believe it. I was so disappointed yesterday. Just that bitter kind of disappointment. I sobbed. I emotionally ate (yeah, I know that's bad. Blah, blah, blah). I used a lot of tissues and stayed up too late. I texted a boy that isn't my boyfriend or fiancé or husband or brother or dad but who loves to the moon and back and is safe and happened to be free last night and I let him drive me around and hung out with him until his amazing girlfriend and my friend who happens to also love me to the moon and back got done with her roller derby practice (what a woman, am I right? 😉) and then she joined us on our midnight tour of the small towns outside of Moorhead, MN even though she had to work early this morning. Yeah, a boy because God made men and women to be part of his church and we have to figure out how to love each other well in this family we were put in. Anyway, I did all of those things and do be honest, I'm still grieving. That one stung. As I described these feelings last night there wasn't anything to be done, it was just like my heart was saying "Ow, this hurts a lot." But never once did that take away from God's goodness (tbh, nothing can) or how much I believed in His goodness or loved Him. Grief doesn't mean you have to trust God less or think less of Him. Grief means it hurt. Grief means that your heart got a little knocked around. It doesn't mean you throw out your entire belief system. We don't go back to crawling because we have stubbed our toes a few times while walking. That makes no sense. You walk, sometimes you stub your toe. Sometimes you might even role your ankle. But most of the time you don't, you just walk. You live your life in love with God. Sometimes your heart gets bumped. Sometimes your heart gets wrenched. But most of the time, it doesn't. Sometimes I actually get upset at the Christianese things that are said to grieving people. In my head I'm saying "Yes, I know God has another plan. But I really liked this one and right now I'm sad it didn't work." (Those things are true and said with great intentions, I'm just a brat sometimes). But God is Good beyond your loss and your grief. Being sad didn't mean that I forgot who He was or believed less of Him. I can be disappointed without throwing in the towel. And if you want to throw in the towel or you have, that's okay too because He loves you. Don't give up on God. And don't let shame tell you if you grieve that you believe in Him less. You can be disappointed and sad and angry and still really, really love Him. It's a relationship. 

Some of you may read this and get sad because you can't think of people in your life who would buy you Taco Bell. Trust me, I've been there too. I would give you two pieces of advice on that part. First, ask God to bring you those people. He wants to. Psalm 68:5 "He puts the lonely in families". (Read it). And second, I would say be that Taco Bell person for someone else and you'll be amazed at how much you will reap that 10 fold. 

You are really loved. I am really loved. We're all just a bunch of messy, really loved people. 

Goodbye Netflix

I have a confession. I have a problem. And the problem’s name is Netflix.

I am very grateful for the childhood that I had. I spent time running through the woods with my dog and riding my bike all over the place. I had a dress up box full of handmade costumes and a dad who loved to build treehouses. It was a good life. And for the most part, it was devoid of a lot of screen time. Aside from the occasional episode of Recess after I finished all of my homework, I was not allowed much time at all in front of the television. My parents got rid of texting on all of our phones when I was in high school. The first few times my parents offered to buy me a smartphone, I said no. Even my freshman and sophomore year of college when cable was included in my housing costs, I didn’t own a TV. I actually don’t own one now either. 

If you spend any time with kids today you will probably see them looking at some sort of screen whether its an iPhone, iPod, Kindle or whatever. And I don’t blame or judge parents at all. I work with kids and there is something beautiful about turning a movie on and watching hyper little energy monsters become calm and quiet. But like many people in my generation, I have been sucked into a culture of screens and media and streaming and a constant flow of noise and distraction. 

It wasn’t really a problem at first. And truthfully, I don’t think that my social media or Netflix usage is inhibiting me from living a productive and full life. I still pay my bills and clean my apartment and get exercise and go to work on time and spend time with people I love. But it has become my coping mechanism and my outlet and sometimes, my companion. And I don’t like it. 

I don’t like realizing that multiple episodes have gone by and I’m still on the couch. Or hours that I could have been resting have been spent watching fake people live fake lives that seem better than mine. It has become a part of my life that I don’t like. And that I am not proud of. 

This has definitely been a slow building issue and it does seem to be seasonal. When depression rears its ugly head up in my life (we’ll talk about that later) it is usually the first warning sign. I find myself running to it during rough seasons when I just don’t want to deal. I have gone to it to escape because sometimes it is easier than actually looking at what is going on in my own heart. There are a lot of factors. My stressful job. Being alone. The weeks I spent not working or driving after my car accident. The late nights preparing for my overnight shifts. 

This last year, I have learned to rest in very important and needed ways and I’m grateful for that. Rest is so important. But I can rest without Netflix. I can commune with people without Facebook and I can cherish memories without posting them on Instagram. 

I am not addicted to Netflix or any media form. I have no problem turning it off. I frequently go without my phone altogether. It has not destroyed my life or my relationships. I deactivated my Facebook account last summer and didn’t even miss it (I shamelessly activated it again to share my blogpost). But the truth is, I don’t want spend my hours watching someone else live their life. I don’t want comparison slowly chip away at my soul as I scroll through edited photos of the other people’s highlights. I want to live and live well and full. I want to have adventures, big ones. I want to learn new things. I want to work hard and make a difference. I want to grow closer to Jesus every day. I want to love people around me better. And I can’t do any of those things when I spend my free time letting episode after episode play on my computer screen. 

I have been trying for the last few months to reduce my media usage. I am honestly not sure how successful I have been. Like I said, I can go days without my phone and be very satisfied. I started only watching Netflix if I was also doing squats and pushups and jumping jacks. But I am seeking a lifestyle change and sometimes you gotta make big steps and ask the internet to keep you accountable for habits to break so that’s what I’m doing. 

I make no judgement on anyone that watches TV or spends time on social media. Netflix, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, those aren’t the problem. They aren’t bad things. Turning them into my coping mechanisms and their usage into habit, that is the problem. So I’m challenging myself and anyone that wants to join me (believe me, I’m not expecting anyone to) to a purge of Netflix, or Facebook, or media altogether, whatever it is. I know you’re supposed to put a time frame on stuff like this but I don’t have one, this is a lifestyle thing. 

So please keep your eyes out for my #insteadofNetflix adventures (on social media, how ironic I know) as I celebrate this full life and world that I have been blessed to live. I’ve never done this before and I’ll probably make mistakes but I promise to do my best and be honest and real on this journey. Feel free to ask me questions and ask for prayer or encouragement or to invite me on your adventures because I’m about to have a lot more free time on my hands ;)