Sunday

2015 has been a year. Just a lot. Good. Bad. Hard. Joyous. SO. STINKING. MUCH. Even now, I’m typing this out with one hand because my right hand is still out of commission from my accident five weeks ago. Just a lot.

This year has presented a lot of Sundays and I’ve spent all of them very differently. But lately my idea of Sundays has changed. I think it’s for the better. And if you give me the chance, I would like to tell you about my Sunday.

I woke up this morning in total peace. My alarm going off, half my pillows on the ground, my curly pixie cut looking like a fro. And I instantly had a smile on my face thinking about my Saturday night. I had spent the evening laughing about nothing, sitting around the fireplace in our apartment with people I love dearly. My roommates and their boyfriends. It was the perfect night. And I felt it when I woke up this morning.

I woke up and immediately wanted to talk to Jesus. I frequently feel this in the morning, I just wanna curl up in some blankets, drink some coffee and read the gospels because let’s be honest Jesus is the man. I’d be lying if I said that’s how I spend every morning. Frequently, I have places to go or I have to clean the living room before I can relax enough to do that (I blame my mother for that). Or I get distracted by social media. Or I just really want another hour of sleep. I ALWAYS regret it later that those precious hours are spent on other things and yet I find myself choosing other things over and over again.

This morning, I decided to choose Jesus. So I got up, sleepily walked into the other bedroom where all three of my roommates were lying in bed. Although all four of us each have our own twin beds evenly divided between two bedrooms it has basically become a ritual to congregate in their room in the mornings or before we all go to sleep at night. I chatted with my roommates as they got ready in the bathroom, gave my opinion on outfits, complimented hairstyles. And then I pulled on a sweatshirt, covered my bed head with my faithful green hat and threw on some running shoes. One roommate asked me what time church started (we all attend different churches in the morning, which is a whole other wonderful topic). I’m sure they were confused by my choice of attire considering, I will use any excuse to wear a dress. And I told them I wasn’t going to church.

Let me take this opportunity to let you know that you are not reading an anti-church post from someone advocating lone-rangering your relationship with God. Actually, I think the complete opposite. You are missing out on a HUGE aspect of God’s character when you are not in community. I love the church. I believe in the church. I support the church and I pray that you find yourself in a loving, serving, God-centered community. I went to church twice last Sunday, tears streaming down my face because of the love of God I felt there. I’ll get back to this later.

So I headed outside and took a walk in the rain. Amanda Cook’s album in my ears, I walked on this trail by my apartment. And let the morning soak in. I sang along, I stretched out my arms and along the way, I gathered a solid collection of beautiful fallen leaves that will soon be pressed in my huge copy of Strong’s Complete Bible Concordance (making my pastor dad proud everyday!). I came back to my apartment, wished my roommates a good day, and snuggled up with half a pumpkin muffin, some lukewarm coffee and flipped to the book of Luke. I can barely get through a chapter of the gospels these days because I read the stories of people so desperate for an encounter with Jesus and I find myself weeping because in my heart, I know the feeling. This is my Sunday

As I said before, I am not anti-church, nor am I trying to influence anyone to skip out on church and spend their Sundays however they choose. I’m simply sharing a piece of the journey God has taken me on this year. Go to church but most importantly choose Jesus.

I’ve been using a new Bible recently and a few weeks ago I was reading in the book of Mark and decided to check out the commentary. It is a story of Jesus telling the Pharisees to just calm the heck down because they are missing the whole point (slight paraphrasing). And I read something in the commentary that forever broke me:

“For the Pharisees, Sabbath rules had become more important than Sabbath rest.”

Such a simple phrase and yet, it carries so much weight and so much truth. I learned right then that loving God is not the same thing as loving religion.

I went through a season of confusion this year. I felt heart broken by a system that I thought had failed me. It took me a while to realize that the system wasn’t for me and that God had never failed me but somehow, I couldn’t separate the two. So I took some steps back and decided to figure out what it meant to rest. I thought I had learned this lesson until I was in a car accident and was forced to rest. Like REALLY rest. No driving, no working, no money, no use of my right arm. I needed help with EVERYTHING. And I hated it. But out of it has come something beautiful.

My Sundays are very different than they used to be. I love church. I love people. I love worshipping God in a congregation. But mostly, I love Jesus. I choose Him this Sunday. I am far less concerned with how the system is or is not serving me. Or all the things I “should” be doing for God. Or the Sabbath rules because rules can’t change a heart and all it did for mine was fill me with pride when I thought I was doing them better than so and so.

The Sabbath was meant for rest. For choosing Jesus above everything else but somehow I forgot how to do that. Trust me, you don’t want to forget how to do that. You’ll find yourself in a place you never want to be. So on Sundays, I choose Jesus above every other thing and I pray that however you spend your Sundays (or Tuesdays or Wednesdays) you also choose Him. He is so worth it.

His Name is Emmanuel

Rooftop Garden at Pine Homeless Shelter
(Photo by Hannah DeKrey)

It was kind of crazy contradiction. Beautiful, shining buildings that scaled high into the sky, giving that feeling of accomplishment and ingenuity juxtaposed next to crumbling buildings with years of decay starting to eat away at their foundations. Abandoned dreams next to progress forward. That is kind of what it felt like being in Atlanta. As we drove into the city, I was honestly in awe. It was beautiful. Both the new and the old. I had never seen a cityscape that I liked so much.

Last week, I had the incredible privilege of working with a team of amazing individuals who were spending their spring break working in the inner city of Atlanta to love the broken. We packed 26 students from the Fargo-Moorhead area into 15 passenger vans and drove over 24 hours straight to serve with the Atlanta Dream Center. Most of us had never been to this part of the country before, some of us had never even been on a missions trip. I had no expectations other than knowing that God was going to move and He did.

Photo by Liv Creative Photography

This week, we got to serve and clean and pray and worship and learn and love. We spent everyday playing with kids who are at risk for continued poverty and violence. We just played with them and hugged them and loved them and told them Bible stories. They loved to run and laugh and get a million piggy back rides (yeah, we were all pretty sore). It always astonishes me at how easy kids are to love and how easily they love. They smiled and just wanted us to notice them, to celebrate them and love them and I loved every minute of it.

We spent our evenings making pb&j sandwiches and passing them out to the vulnerable and hungry and displaced people of Atlanta. We talked to them and listened to their stories and just let them share their lives with us. We got to pray for them and encourage them and tell them how much we loved them and how much Jesus loved them. We cleaned the beds and prayed over a homeless shelter that houses 500-1,000 men per night that is run by donations and volunteers only. We spent time on the streets, the places where they slept and ate and the corners and sidewalks where their whole world existed.

God is Joy
Hanna, student and leader at MSUM
(Photo by Liv Creative Photography)

One afternoon we painted signs explaining who God is. What He means to each of us and we stood on busy streets proclaiming the goodness of God to an entire city. Hundreds of cars drove by, some honked, some cheered, some got angry but God was glorified in Atlanta that day. We talked to them through their car windows, smiled, waved and prayed for those who were stopped in traffic.

Our last night was spent in hours of intercession for the prostitutes, pimps and johns. Those who are trafficked and exploited and those who exploited. The broken and blind. On rotations we hoped into vans and drove through the streets, offering roses and praying for women that the world has forsaken and praying for the men who are so blinded and bound in their sin, they have forgotten to value human life. We prayed and worshipped for hours into the night believing that God could and would break the chains of injustice off of their lives and off of this city.

We heard sermons and messages and testimonies from pastors who have given their lives to the broken of our country. They challenged us to give our lives to Jesus. To recognize that He is the king of our lives and remove ourselves from the thrones of ours hearts and allow Jesus to take His rightful place. We wept as we repented for the arrogance in which we have tried to do things on our own, asking Jesus to take over and take control and willingly giving everything to Him.

The lovely Nicole at MetroKidz
(Photo by Live Creative Photography)

Our free time was spent telling the people on our group why we loved and appreciated them. Giving them words of life. Loving them and being vulnerable to tell them why. Let me just say there were lots of tears. I loved seeing our team grow together as we encouraged one another and lifted each other up. Most people are very aware of the things they do wrong and their flaws. More often than not we need to be reminded of the things that we do right.

One afternoon, we were told that we would be sharing and giving words of life to one of the men from their ministry. The Dream Center pastor had us sit in a circle and he decided to give us the background on his friend Emmanuel. Emmanuel was from the neighborhood and some people hated him and some people loved him. A few years back he had been accused of a crime he didn't commit and so the crowd attacked him and beat him and actually killed him. He was resuscitated and later it had been proven that he was innocent of the crimes they accused him of. Some people loved him and some people hated him. And he could not wait to talk to us.

God is Faithful (and fun!)
Fate and Rachael, freshman at MSUM
(Photo by Liv Creative Photography)

We were all a little nervous to talk to a complete stranger but none of us were even close for what was coming next. The pastor had left and returned by himself. He looked at us and said "So my friend named Emmanuel is called Jesus most of the time and He is so excited to talk to all of you." The presence of God filled that place as we realized that we would be sharing our hearts with Jesus, telling Him all the reasons we loved Him and valued Him and appreciated Him. We all took turns, each of us, thanking Jesus for all He has and continues to do for us. All the ways He has protected, befriended, saved, restored, forgiven, healed and loved us. Our hearts were opened as each person talked to Jesus in the way that meant the most to Him. Seeing the hearts of our students and our team was one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed. I ended that session with an impressive pile of tissues.

This was by far my favorite activity from the entire week, expressing freely our love for Jesus. And there is something that I come to discover and appreciate about God from this experience. Jesus fills all of our gaps. To one He is a King, to another a Savior, to one a Healer, to one a friend, to one a Father, to one a Lover, to one a Redeemer, to another a Restorer and yet He is all of these things to all of us all at the same time. He is the God that fills the gaps. He so personally meets all of our needs, meets us where we're at, sets us free and asks us to trust Him. He proves Himself to be trustworthy in exactly the way we need Him to be. He is the God that fills the gaps. He provides for every need and makes up for every lack, no matter what it is. Each person shared a different side of God that day and shared the different thing that Jesus had done for them. No matter what needs I have or troubles or disappointments or setbacks or lack enters my life, I know that I have a loving God who risked it all to fill in those places. Not because He has to or because I deserve it in the slightest but because He wants to. He is the God that fills the gaps.

God is King, Creative, Hero, Joy, Honor, Love, Hope, Love, Faithful, Freedom, Healer, Glory, Laughter, Enough, Grace, Constant, Faithful Father, Agape, Funny, Romance, Here, Fun and so much more
NDSU-MSUM Team
Photo by Hannah DeKrey

Choices

I was about twelve rows back, sitting on the edge, staring at the front. The huge stain glass windows, the stage, the preacher standing before me sharing his heart and the words that I needed to hear. Silent tears were falling down my cheeks.

The sermon was about disappointment and there I was, an intern, in my first job in full-time ministry, supposed to have it "all together" just letting the disappointment fall. God met me in that moment.

Here's the thing I am starting to discover about life. It is really lame sometimes, like really. There are times when it just seems to get the best of us. I can honestly say that there was absolutely nothing wrong with my life. I have incredible roommates, great friends, a job I love, a community of people who support me. I am in good health and I am very blessed. But the pastor stood in front talking about the gap between what we are expecting and what we are experiencing and the frustration we sometimes allow to fill that gap, I realized that somewhere along the line, I had believed a lie.

I had bought into a lie that told me my opinion of God could change based on how I felt or the ways that He was or was not "coming through" for me. I had bought into the lie that discouragement is not a choice and that God is required to fix the problems in my life. Some of you are probably reading this and saying "Well, duh, of course God doesn't have to fix your problems", which is probably how I would have responded before this night too. I knew that in my head but I my thoughts and emotions and attitude were far from someone who firmly believes that God is good in all circumstances.

As I cried, I begin to write frantically in my journal. Pouring my heart out to God about the disappointments and the discouraging moments, the moments I had felt wronged. All of those bitter emotions from the junk that life throws at us just came bursting to the surface. Life is hard and things happen that should not happen and we are hurt and wronged and we have legitimate reasons to be sad and angry and broken. But here's the thing, God does not change in all of this. This is a super fundamental concept that I probably should have figured out by now but if I can pin point my biggest take away from the past seven months of serving as an intern in full-time ministry, its that God is good all the time.

This is a mantra that we say in church ("God is good, all the time and all the time, God is good"). BUT it is true and a reality that I need to walk in more often. God IS good. Even when it seems like He isn't, even when everything seems against, He IS. Even when the unimaginable happens. And what a glorious thing. So as I sat there crying, spilling my heart out, God asked me in His sweet, gentle voice "Baby girl, do you believe that I am good?"

And in that moment, I knew. I knew that truth of all the sermons I have heard and the lessons I have learned and the verses I have memorized were real. God is good. All the time. That doesn't change. Here I am, having known God for my entire life, having walked through trials and difficult times, in a full-time ministry internship, learning the very basics. God is good. He is good in spite of fears, of the things that go wrong, He is good. Even if my friends reject me, He is good. He is good even if He never provides for me. He is good. It is the fundamental, simple, yet profound truth that enables us to walk through whatever battles come. Whatever pile of junk or mess or heartache that life throws our way.

As the reality of this began to sink in and the truth to the statement that discouragement is a choice began to fill my heart, the words I was writing in my journal began to change. It is a choice and this is what I wrote.

I choose to believe. I choose today, this day to believe. I choose today, this day that I will have joy.
I choose that I will have peace.
I choose that I will have compassion.
I choose that I will have empathy.
I choose that I will have faith.

I choose to believe. I choose today, this day to believe.
I choose to hope.
I choose to give.
I choose to love.
I choose to wait.
I choose to forgive.

I will look beyond my circumstances. I will look beyond human reasoning. I will look beyond my emotions. My feelings do not rule my life. I choose to give up the crutch. The excuses. The "reasons". Their validity holds no merit against your glory.

I choose to believe. I choose today, this day to believe.
I choose to believe that you are good. That you are just.
You have not forgotten me. Your are here.
I choose to believe your intentions are good.
I choose to believe that you provide, you protect, you prepare.
You have not left me. You are sure.
I choose to believe your word is true, your grace is sufficient, your strength is never-ending, your plan is better, your way is safer.
I choose to believe your promises.

I choose to believe.
I choose today, this day, to believe.
I will not give in.
I will not stop. I will not quit.
I will not forsake.
I will not lose sight.
I will not allow the world, the past, the hurts, the fears, the mistakes of others, the words, the silence to keep me from all of the you. To keep me from believing. To discourage me. To sway me. To distract me.
Money fades, beauty fades, people fail, seasons change, friends leave. There will always be Mondays. There will always be hard days. There will always be long days. But there will always be new days.

I will not be intimidated. I will not be discouraged. I will not be dismayed. I will not be frustrated. I will not be lied to. I will not be afraid.

I will be free.

I choose today, this day, to believe.

I don't write poetry and I never intended for those words to leave the confines of my heart and my notebook. But in the last few weeks of contemplating and meditating on them, I felt inspired to share these words. There are things in life that are heart wrenching and overwhelming. This is not a post about ignoring those or pretending it is good when it is not. This is not a how to on responding "good" to every single time someone asks you how you are. This is about deciding to believe that God is good and refusing to the buy into the lie that He isn't. No matter what.

So, like the words from my journal indicate. I am choosing to believe, every single day.