Choices

I was about twelve rows back, sitting on the edge, staring at the front. The huge stain glass windows, the stage, the preacher standing before me sharing his heart and the words that I needed to hear. Silent tears were falling down my cheeks.

The sermon was about disappointment and there I was, an intern, in my first job in full-time ministry, supposed to have it "all together" just letting the disappointment fall. God met me in that moment.

Here's the thing I am starting to discover about life. It is really lame sometimes, like really. There are times when it just seems to get the best of us. I can honestly say that there was absolutely nothing wrong with my life. I have incredible roommates, great friends, a job I love, a community of people who support me. I am in good health and I am very blessed. But the pastor stood in front talking about the gap between what we are expecting and what we are experiencing and the frustration we sometimes allow to fill that gap, I realized that somewhere along the line, I had believed a lie.

I had bought into a lie that told me my opinion of God could change based on how I felt or the ways that He was or was not "coming through" for me. I had bought into the lie that discouragement is not a choice and that God is required to fix the problems in my life. Some of you are probably reading this and saying "Well, duh, of course God doesn't have to fix your problems", which is probably how I would have responded before this night too. I knew that in my head but I my thoughts and emotions and attitude were far from someone who firmly believes that God is good in all circumstances.

As I cried, I begin to write frantically in my journal. Pouring my heart out to God about the disappointments and the discouraging moments, the moments I had felt wronged. All of those bitter emotions from the junk that life throws at us just came bursting to the surface. Life is hard and things happen that should not happen and we are hurt and wronged and we have legitimate reasons to be sad and angry and broken. But here's the thing, God does not change in all of this. This is a super fundamental concept that I probably should have figured out by now but if I can pin point my biggest take away from the past seven months of serving as an intern in full-time ministry, its that God is good all the time.

This is a mantra that we say in church ("God is good, all the time and all the time, God is good"). BUT it is true and a reality that I need to walk in more often. God IS good. Even when it seems like He isn't, even when everything seems against, He IS. Even when the unimaginable happens. And what a glorious thing. So as I sat there crying, spilling my heart out, God asked me in His sweet, gentle voice "Baby girl, do you believe that I am good?"

And in that moment, I knew. I knew that truth of all the sermons I have heard and the lessons I have learned and the verses I have memorized were real. God is good. All the time. That doesn't change. Here I am, having known God for my entire life, having walked through trials and difficult times, in a full-time ministry internship, learning the very basics. God is good. He is good in spite of fears, of the things that go wrong, He is good. Even if my friends reject me, He is good. He is good even if He never provides for me. He is good. It is the fundamental, simple, yet profound truth that enables us to walk through whatever battles come. Whatever pile of junk or mess or heartache that life throws our way.

As the reality of this began to sink in and the truth to the statement that discouragement is a choice began to fill my heart, the words I was writing in my journal began to change. It is a choice and this is what I wrote.

I choose to believe. I choose today, this day to believe. I choose today, this day that I will have joy.
I choose that I will have peace.
I choose that I will have compassion.
I choose that I will have empathy.
I choose that I will have faith.

I choose to believe. I choose today, this day to believe.
I choose to hope.
I choose to give.
I choose to love.
I choose to wait.
I choose to forgive.

I will look beyond my circumstances. I will look beyond human reasoning. I will look beyond my emotions. My feelings do not rule my life. I choose to give up the crutch. The excuses. The "reasons". Their validity holds no merit against your glory.

I choose to believe. I choose today, this day to believe.
I choose to believe that you are good. That you are just.
You have not forgotten me. Your are here.
I choose to believe your intentions are good.
I choose to believe that you provide, you protect, you prepare.
You have not left me. You are sure.
I choose to believe your word is true, your grace is sufficient, your strength is never-ending, your plan is better, your way is safer.
I choose to believe your promises.

I choose to believe.
I choose today, this day, to believe.
I will not give in.
I will not stop. I will not quit.
I will not forsake.
I will not lose sight.
I will not allow the world, the past, the hurts, the fears, the mistakes of others, the words, the silence to keep me from all of the you. To keep me from believing. To discourage me. To sway me. To distract me.
Money fades, beauty fades, people fail, seasons change, friends leave. There will always be Mondays. There will always be hard days. There will always be long days. But there will always be new days.

I will not be intimidated. I will not be discouraged. I will not be dismayed. I will not be frustrated. I will not be lied to. I will not be afraid.

I will be free.

I choose today, this day, to believe.

I don't write poetry and I never intended for those words to leave the confines of my heart and my notebook. But in the last few weeks of contemplating and meditating on them, I felt inspired to share these words. There are things in life that are heart wrenching and overwhelming. This is not a post about ignoring those or pretending it is good when it is not. This is not a how to on responding "good" to every single time someone asks you how you are. This is about deciding to believe that God is good and refusing to the buy into the lie that He isn't. No matter what.

So, like the words from my journal indicate. I am choosing to believe, every single day.