His Name is Emmanuel

Rooftop Garden at Pine Homeless Shelter
(Photo by Hannah DeKrey)

It was kind of crazy contradiction. Beautiful, shining buildings that scaled high into the sky, giving that feeling of accomplishment and ingenuity juxtaposed next to crumbling buildings with years of decay starting to eat away at their foundations. Abandoned dreams next to progress forward. That is kind of what it felt like being in Atlanta. As we drove into the city, I was honestly in awe. It was beautiful. Both the new and the old. I had never seen a cityscape that I liked so much.

Last week, I had the incredible privilege of working with a team of amazing individuals who were spending their spring break working in the inner city of Atlanta to love the broken. We packed 26 students from the Fargo-Moorhead area into 15 passenger vans and drove over 24 hours straight to serve with the Atlanta Dream Center. Most of us had never been to this part of the country before, some of us had never even been on a missions trip. I had no expectations other than knowing that God was going to move and He did.

Photo by Liv Creative Photography

This week, we got to serve and clean and pray and worship and learn and love. We spent everyday playing with kids who are at risk for continued poverty and violence. We just played with them and hugged them and loved them and told them Bible stories. They loved to run and laugh and get a million piggy back rides (yeah, we were all pretty sore). It always astonishes me at how easy kids are to love and how easily they love. They smiled and just wanted us to notice them, to celebrate them and love them and I loved every minute of it.

We spent our evenings making pb&j sandwiches and passing them out to the vulnerable and hungry and displaced people of Atlanta. We talked to them and listened to their stories and just let them share their lives with us. We got to pray for them and encourage them and tell them how much we loved them and how much Jesus loved them. We cleaned the beds and prayed over a homeless shelter that houses 500-1,000 men per night that is run by donations and volunteers only. We spent time on the streets, the places where they slept and ate and the corners and sidewalks where their whole world existed.

God is Joy
Hanna, student and leader at MSUM
(Photo by Liv Creative Photography)

One afternoon we painted signs explaining who God is. What He means to each of us and we stood on busy streets proclaiming the goodness of God to an entire city. Hundreds of cars drove by, some honked, some cheered, some got angry but God was glorified in Atlanta that day. We talked to them through their car windows, smiled, waved and prayed for those who were stopped in traffic.

Our last night was spent in hours of intercession for the prostitutes, pimps and johns. Those who are trafficked and exploited and those who exploited. The broken and blind. On rotations we hoped into vans and drove through the streets, offering roses and praying for women that the world has forsaken and praying for the men who are so blinded and bound in their sin, they have forgotten to value human life. We prayed and worshipped for hours into the night believing that God could and would break the chains of injustice off of their lives and off of this city.

We heard sermons and messages and testimonies from pastors who have given their lives to the broken of our country. They challenged us to give our lives to Jesus. To recognize that He is the king of our lives and remove ourselves from the thrones of ours hearts and allow Jesus to take His rightful place. We wept as we repented for the arrogance in which we have tried to do things on our own, asking Jesus to take over and take control and willingly giving everything to Him.

The lovely Nicole at MetroKidz
(Photo by Live Creative Photography)

Our free time was spent telling the people on our group why we loved and appreciated them. Giving them words of life. Loving them and being vulnerable to tell them why. Let me just say there were lots of tears. I loved seeing our team grow together as we encouraged one another and lifted each other up. Most people are very aware of the things they do wrong and their flaws. More often than not we need to be reminded of the things that we do right.

One afternoon, we were told that we would be sharing and giving words of life to one of the men from their ministry. The Dream Center pastor had us sit in a circle and he decided to give us the background on his friend Emmanuel. Emmanuel was from the neighborhood and some people hated him and some people loved him. A few years back he had been accused of a crime he didn't commit and so the crowd attacked him and beat him and actually killed him. He was resuscitated and later it had been proven that he was innocent of the crimes they accused him of. Some people loved him and some people hated him. And he could not wait to talk to us.

God is Faithful (and fun!)
Fate and Rachael, freshman at MSUM
(Photo by Liv Creative Photography)

We were all a little nervous to talk to a complete stranger but none of us were even close for what was coming next. The pastor had left and returned by himself. He looked at us and said "So my friend named Emmanuel is called Jesus most of the time and He is so excited to talk to all of you." The presence of God filled that place as we realized that we would be sharing our hearts with Jesus, telling Him all the reasons we loved Him and valued Him and appreciated Him. We all took turns, each of us, thanking Jesus for all He has and continues to do for us. All the ways He has protected, befriended, saved, restored, forgiven, healed and loved us. Our hearts were opened as each person talked to Jesus in the way that meant the most to Him. Seeing the hearts of our students and our team was one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed. I ended that session with an impressive pile of tissues.

This was by far my favorite activity from the entire week, expressing freely our love for Jesus. And there is something that I come to discover and appreciate about God from this experience. Jesus fills all of our gaps. To one He is a King, to another a Savior, to one a Healer, to one a friend, to one a Father, to one a Lover, to one a Redeemer, to another a Restorer and yet He is all of these things to all of us all at the same time. He is the God that fills the gaps. He so personally meets all of our needs, meets us where we're at, sets us free and asks us to trust Him. He proves Himself to be trustworthy in exactly the way we need Him to be. He is the God that fills the gaps. He provides for every need and makes up for every lack, no matter what it is. Each person shared a different side of God that day and shared the different thing that Jesus had done for them. No matter what needs I have or troubles or disappointments or setbacks or lack enters my life, I know that I have a loving God who risked it all to fill in those places. Not because He has to or because I deserve it in the slightest but because He wants to. He is the God that fills the gaps.

God is King, Creative, Hero, Joy, Honor, Love, Hope, Love, Faithful, Freedom, Healer, Glory, Laughter, Enough, Grace, Constant, Faithful Father, Agape, Funny, Romance, Here, Fun and so much more
NDSU-MSUM Team
Photo by Hannah DeKrey

Choices

I was about twelve rows back, sitting on the edge, staring at the front. The huge stain glass windows, the stage, the preacher standing before me sharing his heart and the words that I needed to hear. Silent tears were falling down my cheeks.

The sermon was about disappointment and there I was, an intern, in my first job in full-time ministry, supposed to have it "all together" just letting the disappointment fall. God met me in that moment.

Here's the thing I am starting to discover about life. It is really lame sometimes, like really. There are times when it just seems to get the best of us. I can honestly say that there was absolutely nothing wrong with my life. I have incredible roommates, great friends, a job I love, a community of people who support me. I am in good health and I am very blessed. But the pastor stood in front talking about the gap between what we are expecting and what we are experiencing and the frustration we sometimes allow to fill that gap, I realized that somewhere along the line, I had believed a lie.

I had bought into a lie that told me my opinion of God could change based on how I felt or the ways that He was or was not "coming through" for me. I had bought into the lie that discouragement is not a choice and that God is required to fix the problems in my life. Some of you are probably reading this and saying "Well, duh, of course God doesn't have to fix your problems", which is probably how I would have responded before this night too. I knew that in my head but I my thoughts and emotions and attitude were far from someone who firmly believes that God is good in all circumstances.

As I cried, I begin to write frantically in my journal. Pouring my heart out to God about the disappointments and the discouraging moments, the moments I had felt wronged. All of those bitter emotions from the junk that life throws at us just came bursting to the surface. Life is hard and things happen that should not happen and we are hurt and wronged and we have legitimate reasons to be sad and angry and broken. But here's the thing, God does not change in all of this. This is a super fundamental concept that I probably should have figured out by now but if I can pin point my biggest take away from the past seven months of serving as an intern in full-time ministry, its that God is good all the time.

This is a mantra that we say in church ("God is good, all the time and all the time, God is good"). BUT it is true and a reality that I need to walk in more often. God IS good. Even when it seems like He isn't, even when everything seems against, He IS. Even when the unimaginable happens. And what a glorious thing. So as I sat there crying, spilling my heart out, God asked me in His sweet, gentle voice "Baby girl, do you believe that I am good?"

And in that moment, I knew. I knew that truth of all the sermons I have heard and the lessons I have learned and the verses I have memorized were real. God is good. All the time. That doesn't change. Here I am, having known God for my entire life, having walked through trials and difficult times, in a full-time ministry internship, learning the very basics. God is good. He is good in spite of fears, of the things that go wrong, He is good. Even if my friends reject me, He is good. He is good even if He never provides for me. He is good. It is the fundamental, simple, yet profound truth that enables us to walk through whatever battles come. Whatever pile of junk or mess or heartache that life throws our way.

As the reality of this began to sink in and the truth to the statement that discouragement is a choice began to fill my heart, the words I was writing in my journal began to change. It is a choice and this is what I wrote.

I choose to believe. I choose today, this day to believe. I choose today, this day that I will have joy.
I choose that I will have peace.
I choose that I will have compassion.
I choose that I will have empathy.
I choose that I will have faith.

I choose to believe. I choose today, this day to believe.
I choose to hope.
I choose to give.
I choose to love.
I choose to wait.
I choose to forgive.

I will look beyond my circumstances. I will look beyond human reasoning. I will look beyond my emotions. My feelings do not rule my life. I choose to give up the crutch. The excuses. The "reasons". Their validity holds no merit against your glory.

I choose to believe. I choose today, this day to believe.
I choose to believe that you are good. That you are just.
You have not forgotten me. Your are here.
I choose to believe your intentions are good.
I choose to believe that you provide, you protect, you prepare.
You have not left me. You are sure.
I choose to believe your word is true, your grace is sufficient, your strength is never-ending, your plan is better, your way is safer.
I choose to believe your promises.

I choose to believe.
I choose today, this day, to believe.
I will not give in.
I will not stop. I will not quit.
I will not forsake.
I will not lose sight.
I will not allow the world, the past, the hurts, the fears, the mistakes of others, the words, the silence to keep me from all of the you. To keep me from believing. To discourage me. To sway me. To distract me.
Money fades, beauty fades, people fail, seasons change, friends leave. There will always be Mondays. There will always be hard days. There will always be long days. But there will always be new days.

I will not be intimidated. I will not be discouraged. I will not be dismayed. I will not be frustrated. I will not be lied to. I will not be afraid.

I will be free.

I choose today, this day, to believe.

I don't write poetry and I never intended for those words to leave the confines of my heart and my notebook. But in the last few weeks of contemplating and meditating on them, I felt inspired to share these words. There are things in life that are heart wrenching and overwhelming. This is not a post about ignoring those or pretending it is good when it is not. This is not a how to on responding "good" to every single time someone asks you how you are. This is about deciding to believe that God is good and refusing to the buy into the lie that He isn't. No matter what.

So, like the words from my journal indicate. I am choosing to believe, every single day.