Adulting

I have rewritten this first sentence three times trying to describe what the year 2015 was for me. I thought I could sum it up in one sentence but that is never going to work. More happened than I can ever or ever will share but I will summarize. In 2015, life hit me like a ton of bricks. I spent the first part of the year fighting the seasonal gloom that cold weather and a lack of sunshine brings with zero dollars to my name, trying desperately to prove myself to people, to my friends, my bosses, myself and God. And I failed. I couldn’t be everything I thought people needed me to be and I crashed and burned and suddenly it felt like I was drowning in insecurities and doubts. I spent the summer very angry at my perception of who God was, hiding at a job that didn’t require much of me and safely tucked away with a few lovely roommates and friends who loved me past my anger and hurt. I went to counseling and cried a lot. I read books and cried a lot. I slept and cried a lot. I spent a month at my parents’ house and cried a lot. And God kept showing up and telling me it was okay. Even when I would sit in my car in my apartment parking lot and yell at Him, He showed up. And when I completely ignored Him, He showed up. And just when I felt my head coming above water and my heart hoping again, I slammed into the car in front of me on a busy interstate four hours from home and found myself with a totaled car, a broken arm and a few months of recovery. So I recovered and rested and slept a lot and watched a lot of Netflix. And again, God showed up. There really wasn’t much for me to do or anyone else to talk to, so I spent a lot time with Him. He was there. He was there for every physical therapy appointment when I could barely move my arm and every lonely day I spent at home. He was there when my checking account ran empty because I wasn’t working. He was there for every disappointment, every broken dream and for every battle I fought with myself over who I was and what I deserved.

I got a new job, one that required a lot more of me. And I got a new car (thanks parents) and I kept going to counseling and I kept reading the books. But I wasn’t crying so much anymore. I started to really feel God’s love again. I found out who I was and who He was, how great He is and I fought a tough war against bitterness. As my arm healed, so did my heart. God is crazy about me, for no merit of my own and there is nothing I can do to change that and that alone will blow my mind forever. It may have taken some pretty severe heartache for me to get there, but I did and I am so glad. 

But like most habits, the need to prove myself was not an easily broken one. But God has stubbornly refused to give up on me and now that I have freedom, I have stubbornly refused to go back. 

I turned 24 last week and I have grown up quite a lot in the last year. I finally learned how to budget, complete with envelopes and everything. I drink a lot a water,.I take my vitamins. I went to the dentist. I pay my bills. I make my bed about 50% of the time. It only takes me about three days to get my laundry folded and put away after washing it rather than seven. I exercise and use a planner and eat veggies (most of time time) and I have a retirement fund. I even learned how to cook a few meals other than tacos and pasta.

All of these are good things. Things that I am glad I do. Things that took a lot of work to get good at. However, there has been a shift in the last few months. I think I had this idea of what a grown up was in my head. According to me, I should be debt free, have a masters degree, have started my own non-profit, have a house, a dog and probably a husband. And a book deal in the works because by the age of 24, I should have done something worthy enough that other people want to read about it. And I should have a fabulous job that allows me to travel the world. I know it sounds crazy when I write it all down but that is the kind of pressure I have put on myself. Through comparison and striving and not really knowing how much God loves me and not really know who He is, I developed this false idea of what being an adult is and what it means to grow up. 

But guess what. I am a grown up. I have debt. I sometimes stay up too late. I sometimes drink more coffee than I should. Occasionally, I watch Gilmore Girls instead of folding my laundry. I hate doing the same thing every single day. Routine drives me crazy and the idea of working the same job from now until my retirement makes me want to pull all of my hair out. I am not wired that way. Last week, I wanted to became a massage therapist and Mongolian grill chef. Why? Because it sounds fun! I do not fit the mold of “being a grown up”. And that is beautiful thing. 

So recently, I decided to stop trying so hard. To just give myself a break and to let God take care of some of the burdens I had unnecessarily put on my shoulders. I decided to let go of some of those things I was doing that made me feel like a “real grown up”. And again, God showed up. He met me and has provided and come through and healed and brought resolution to things I thought would NEVER be resolved. All of the stuff I was failing at doing on my own, He has done all while I was napping or something. 

I am not advocating for my life style but I have learned what being a grown up is to me. To me, being a grown up is knowing you value, no matter your vocation. Being a grown up is loving those around you best and treating the people God has given you with the best kindness you can muster. Being a grown up is buying yourself a smoothie on days you’re tired of being single. Being a grown up is apologizing and admitting that you are wrong. Being a grown up is saying no to things you can’t afford. Being a grown up means asking for a raise when you deserve it. Being a grown up is having crushes and doing something about it. Being a grown up means letting people know when the hurt you and forgiving them anyway. Being a grown up is standing up for yourself and teaching others how they can treat you (a seemingly unachievable thing called boundaries).  Being a grown up is knowing when you have had enough and should just go to bed. Being a grown up is liking a clean apartment but not beating yourself up that you haven't vacuumed this week. Being a grown up is entertaining the idea of being a an astronaut or a baker or whatever else or going to art school. Being a grown up is giving others a break when they need it. And giving yourself a break when you need it, all the while knowing what you are capable of and not settling for less than that. Being a grown up is having a good day even if you did wake up late, didn’t have time to shower, ripped your jeans at work and had to put duct tape on them until you got home and changed (that happened yesterday). Being a grown up is realizing you can’t do it all, giving God the credit and asking Him for help because you know you can’t do it without His help anyway and thanking Him like crazy when we He does. 

In short, growing up is what you decide it is.