Let's Talk Failure

Let’s talk failure. Sounds really fun right?

We are officially in the season of resolutions and goal setting. People are inspired by the new year and feel that this is the perfect time to do all of the things they weren’t able to do last year. It sounds nice in theory but let’s be honest, suddenly expecting to become good at things that you weren’t before because the date has changed is basically setting ourselves up for failure.

Some people really love resolutions and goals and some people thrive with health on pushing themselves all of the time but I don’t know very many of those people. In 2017, I learned a lot of things. I learned a lot about myself (enneagram, holla). I learned a lot about the way I process and I learned a lot about the lies that I have believed and the shame that has run rampant in my life. 

A few months ago, I woke up and the first thought I had that day was how much I had already failed. It was before 5:00 AM and I had already failed. How is that even possible? My mind was running through the to-do list I had made the day before and all of the unchecked items on it. I had just woken up and already my mind was filled with all of my inadequacies. Last September and into October, I completed the Whole30. It was much harder than I had anticipated and yet like everything I take on in my life, I threw myself into it with a force that could rival a hurricane. I lost over seventeen pounds, my acne almost disappeared, I swear my hair even looked better and I received more compliments than probably any other period in my life. Those were not the goals or aims of doing Whole30 and yet, with every pound I gained back and every zit that reappeared on my face and every compliment I did not receive, this overwhelming sense of failure weighed heavier and heavier upon my life and heart. Whole30 is expensive and trips and holidays and stressful days led to just making sure I was fed,not being able to care if it was sugar, dairy and glutton free. 

Day 2 of Whole30
Eating pizza because I can

For weeks, I struggled with this almost overpowering sense of failure. It left me feeling insecure and caused me to avoid my responsibilities with an even greater frequency. The shame of “failing” at Whole30 caused me to hide away in fear of failing again at other things. I am 25 years old. I have the confidence and tenacity of someone young enough to not know what I can’t accomplish but I’ve also faced enough disappointment to understand how much work dream fulfillment can be. However, this is not the stage of life that I anticipated I would be in at this stage. For example, I just moved into the basement of my friend’s house with three lovely roommates. To say that I am grateful is a gross understatement. I love my new home. However, this is my fifth home in the last three and half years, three out of the five because one of my roommates became engaged. Did I expect that at 25 I would have neither the financial security nor the relationship statues to procure my own home? No, I did not. And because I have not been able to will my dream job or will my husband or home into existence, I have struggled to believe in the measure of my worth. 

Oddly enough, once I saw myself as a failure, I soon saw evidence of this everywhere. I saw myself as a failure in my finances, my job, my relationships. I was sobbing on the couch on the phone with my little sister, crying about the fact that I couldn't afford to buy a new bra. Looking back at that day, all I can do is laugh but at the time this felt like the epitome of failure: not being able to take care of myself. My sister sent me a gift card to help me out and I cried even more. She sent me this gift completely out of love and generosity but all it did was cause me more shame. My little sister who I had always taken care of emotionally and otherwise was now taking care of me. That in my mind was unacceptable. I was talking to my counselor about this (yes, I go to counseling regularly). I spent basically the entire session crying and telling her about all of the ways that I was failing. She stopped me and said, "Why is that failure?". I was so taken aback by this question. I had no idea how to respond so she said it is again, "What if that is not failure?". 

What if that wasn't failure? What if gaining weight wasn't failure? What if running out of money wasn't failure? What if needing help wasn't failure? What if quitting wasn't failure? What if that thing you are really ashamed about isn't actual failure?

These questions completely altered my thinking. I decided to make a list of all of the things that I expected myself to complete in a twenty-four hour period. When I counted all of those things, I realized that it was completely unrealistic. There was literally not enough time in the day to complete all of those things, much less complete all of those things, sleep, retain my mental health and you know, laugh. 

There are so many messages we receive all day along about who we should be and what we should do. 

Do more. Be more. Eat healthier. Work out more. Cross more things off the to-do list. Clean your room. Do Whole30. Become paleo. Run marathons. Do your makeup. Fix your hair. Wear fashionable and unique clothing that keeps up with the ever changing demands of style. Make enough money to retire because social security is all gone and the housing market is terrible so if you haven’t saved a million dollars by the time you are thirty you will live a terrible life and work yourself into your death bed. Make sure you make friends and have parties and take really good photos and travel the world and throw your hands up in protest at everything. And while you are doing all of these things, be really chill and really cool and make sure that it is Instagram worthy and epic and for goodness sake, always, always make sure you are surrounded by really good lighting. 

And if we don't do all of these excellently at every minute while also looking flawless then we are failing. 

Seriously guys, it is freaking exhausting. And yet, we do this to ourselves every single day. The truth is, your productivity does not prove your worth. Your accomplishments does not prove your value. And your Instagram following does not prove your significance. 

There is a new thought that I have told myself every time that I feel my life is less. Every time I feel inadequate or somehow behind where I should be, I ask myself a new question. What if the greatest accomplishment and the biggest achievement of my twenties has nothing to do with the  job I get, the person I marry, the loans I do or do not pay off, the things I cross off of my bucket list, the epic things I do. What if the greatest thing I am meant to do in this stage of life is simply to live everyday believing the truth that my worth is not built on the things I do or the things I accomplish? To let life’s events happen as they may and let the truth of my value as a friend, a daughter, a leader, a woman remain constant and unmoved no matter the circumstances I find myself in would be an accomplishment indeed and well worth it, even if it took me a lifetime. 

This new thought has brought so much healing to my heart. It has beat down the shame lies. It has opened the doors for more dreams and more love in my life. I have been more productive in the last few months of not trying to. I have accomplished more, tried more new things, been more hopeful and have loved my life even more since I stopped measuring the significance of my life upon the effectiveness of my time management skills and stopped negatively comparing my life in present to everything my 16 year old self thought it should be. 

Let's pretend for just a second that I am a counselor and you are telling me about all your perceived failures. Here's what I have to say. What if that isn't failure?

My wish for you in 2018 is that no matter what circumstances surround your life, you would have joy, love and you would know the value of your own soul. 

These are my New Year’s resolutions for 2018; 

1. to take more naps
2. to have more fun
3. to take care of myself
4. to be on time for work every day (for practicality’s sake).

I know we are only a week in, but it has been really great so far.