"Don't Eat Me"

"What?" I questioned, confused. "Don't eat me" repeated 7-year-old Emmanuel (Emma). Was he joking? I looked into his face, he was serious. Emma had a special place in my heart, he pulled my heart strings. He was sad, so sad, the saddest child I had ever seen. Rarely did a smile break across his face, never a laugh, hugs were forced. What horrible things must he have faced to become so hopeless? I prayed for him daily, he had started to grin lately, learning to trust again.  I stood there holding his teal blue blanket above his bunk bed, lights off, mosquitos buzzing. It was my normal goodnight ritual, tucking in the eight children that I now watched at night, pulling tight their nets (praise the Lord for those), whispering "Nkwagala nyo" (I love you so much) to each one and one peck on the forehead. I loved being the mama to these babies, singing them songs, wiping their tears when they had nightmares, morning snuggles times were my favorite.

Sweet boy Emma

As I stood there, I had no idea what this little child was talking about. This was not our first night. Eat him? What could he mean? I continued on with my goodnight ritual, including a peck on the cheek.

Everyone was tucked, goodnighted, and kissed. I gladly welcomed my 7:30 bedtime (pathetic, I know) and laid down on my foam mattress. But this was just the start of a long, tiring night, after two earthquakes and being attacked by a bird who decided to take up residence in the bathroom, 5-year-old Peace woke up screaming. Rushing to her side to comfort her, to reassure her, to love her, I met a girl whose eyes filled with horror at the sight of me. Now I was beyond confused, first of all, I didn't know birds attacked people and secondly, here was the same girl who had sat on my lap during story time now terrified of me. Emma began to speak to her in Luganda, he wouldn't translate, he wouldn't let me in on his secret. The more I listened, the more I understood, Peace was afraid of me. She was afraid to sleep with her Mzungu (white) auntie and her fear was being perpetuated by what Emma was saying. After a brief but firm discussion about being a big brother to the other children, Emma wept, his eyes were downcast, he was ashamed. Emma cried himself to sleep that night.

Love this boy

I would love to say that I was everything I should have been at that moment; patient, understanding, he was after all a 7-year-old boy that needed love. But I wasn't, I was irritated, I was angry. Here I was giving up my sleep, being eaten alive by mosquitos, waking this kid up in the middle of the night because he still wet the bed, sharing my blankets, my life, my love (haha, I had such a bad attitude). And now Emma was here making things up, telling the children I would hurt them, he knew it wasn't true, his behavior proved it. I went to bed angry (so anti-Biblical). By the next morning, Peace, Emma and the rest of the children were in my lap for story time, all was forgiven, the adventurous night before had been forgotten. And yet, I still could not understand why Emma insisted on telling me not to eat him. A few days later, the realization came; Emma had never been given kisses in his life. He perceived my comfort, my affection, my love as a threat, as a bad thing that I was hurting him, that I had bad intentions. When I went to kiss Emma, he thought I was going to eat him.

Emma enjoying a Mirinda Fruti Soda

When I was able to get over my offense and understand what Emma was telling me, two things hit me. The first was that everyone has a filter through which they perceive and a loveless filter leads to a hopeless, guarded, fearful perspective. My friend has a 10-month- old and he loves to give kisses. Big, slobbery, wide mouthed attacks right on your cheek and I love every single one of them. Why does he do this?  Because he receives hundreds of kisses from his sweet mama everyday, he is loved so he knows how to love back. Emma had been abandoned, he didn't even remember his mother. Emma did not know how to give kisses because he had never been given kisses, he didn't even recognize them when he saw them. Sometimes I meet people in my life and I am immediately turned off by their rough, angry nature. I blame it on them, our personalties just don't fit well, sometimes I just walk away offended. But just like Emma, maybe they have never received love, the unconditional kind, the forgiving kind, the gracious kind and can't recognize it when it comes much less replicate it for others. Maybe instead of giving up on them so quickly, I should ask God to help me love them, the kind of love that can break down their walls and opens their heart for God's healing to pour into their wounds. I began to wonder what happens to people when I, the representation of Jesus on the earth, don't represent God correctly. If I have a loveless perspective and therefore a loveless reality, I don't see God's love correctly so I can't give God's love correctly. Maybe because of my own pain, my issues with God, things I haven't let go of, or simply the lies that I believe, I portray a god that is so far from the merciful, loving Savior that has given everything to redeem my soul. Just like Emma, I portray through my words or actions things that aren't true. Emma told Peace things that weren't true and she looked at me differently, I began to ask myself, am I doing the same thing?

Soon after this evening, Emma discovered that I wasn't actually trying to eat him. I'm sure he felt relieved. It quickly became a game of ours. He would come up to me, holding back a grin and say "Auntie Hopu, don't eat me". Immediately Emma would find himself in my lap receiving an abundance of kisses, tickles and snuggles. Through a torrent of wiggles and laughs Emma would repeat "Don't eat me Auntie Hopu, I'm not a sweetie". (By saying "sweetie" he was referring to candy). I would of course continue giving him kisses on the cheek and respond "You are my sweetie". I loved this little boy so much and he had learned how to receive love.  When his perspective changed, his reality changed. What he had first perceived as a threat, he was now perceiving as love and affection and he couldn't get enough of it. When it was time for me to say goodbye, Emma had to be pryed off of my lap with tears (which broke my heart). This is the second revelation I received from God, something I knew but something He has been reminding me of lately. He isn't correcting me because He hates me and no, I'm not in this difficult situation because God wants bad things in my life, and yes, His plan really is better than mine and that's why He closed that door. He leads me on a different path because His is better. He really was with me through that rough patch and has proven His provision for me. God points out my sin, my weaknesses, my broken places because He loves me.

I know this sounds ridiculous to some and very familiar to others. Some might

Morning snuggles with my babies

ask, why would God correct me if He loves me, why would He point out that painful area I'm not letting go of, can't He see that that hurts me? Yes, of course He does and that's exactly why He does it. Just as it is inconceivable that any parent would not give their children kisses and other forms of physical affection, it is inconceivable that a loving God would leave me in my mess, my sin, my dysfunction and let me go my own way even though He has a better one. If anyone has ever gotten a severe burn they know the best way to prevent scaring is to scrub away the mutilated skin (talk about painful and the total opposite of what we want to do). Sure, it probably hurts at first and I might not understand it and I might not like it, just as Emma didn't understand kisses, but when I come on the other side, am I really going to regret God making me into better a person? 

As I said, to some people this is a familiar concept. I myself had heard it hundreds of times growing up, I could point to verses that support the idea, logically, I can explain it. But, I realized that in a lot of ways, I'm not really living that way. I wasn't living like I actually believed it. When I face a trial in my life, the last thing I want to do is praise God, when a friend lovingly points out a weakness in my life, the last thing I want to do is thank them, when God closes the door on a plan of mine the last thing I want to do is humbly submit to His will and when the Holy Spirit begins to pry into the hurt parts of my heart that I have hidden away, the last thing I want to do is open the door and invite Him in. But that is because my view of God is flawed, I have been lied too, just like Peace, and I can't see what He is doing is loving me.

Praying for this precious boy

This wasn't an easy pill for me to swallow, I wanted to make this reminder about other people, not apply it to my own life.  I took a long look at the lies I believed and the way I was representing God to others. This has required me to do some things I didn't want to do. These past few weeks I have let God in, I've given up parts of my heart, I've begun to praise Him when I don't want to, to trust Him when it I am afraid to do so, and I've humbly walked over to His side and said "Daddy, don't eat me" and the minute I do I find myself being pulled into the most loving embrace, filled with affection, overwhelming joy, acceptance, healing, safety, peace and a God who keeps reminding me "You are my sweetie". 


Ask God to reveal the lies you have been believing and consider these scriptures: 

"Blessed is the man you discipline, O Lord, the man you teach from your law; you grant him relief from days of trouble" Psalm 94:12-13a NIV

"For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned" John 3:17-18a NIV

"God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, is produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it" Hebrews 12:10-11 NIV

"God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him...There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out all fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:16, 18 NIV

Also, I highly recommend the book Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets Them Free  by Nancy Leigh DeMoss (even if you are a man ;) ) 

God's Gift

It only took a second. Just one look and she was mine. Soft curly hair, black eyes and full cheeks. Her name was Gift and as I held this tiny precious baby girl in my arms I knew that my heart had changed. I was working at a baby home in Uganda. This little one had been thrown down a pit latrine as a newborn (pit latrine’s are forty to fifty foot holes in the ground used as public bathrooms) and she had survived. She was a miracle, a wonder, a treasure. I had never loved a baby before but as she looked at me with searching eyes, all I wanted to do was assure her of my love, protect her from all hurt and change her future, no matter her past. She may have been cast off by others, they may have said she had no value but to me she was greatest thing in the world. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

Loving on this precious baby 

I began to long to have Gift with me at all times, just to enjoy her. Just to enjoy who she was. She didn’t do anything special, as a one month old she barely smiled but it didn’t matter if she did anything, I wanted her. I carried her around in a sling everywhere, when I did laundry, when I ate food, when I played with other kids. I just loved having her with me. Whenever I saw a pit latrine, I wept. It was unimaginable that anyone that she trusted could ever put her there.

Now, I’m not a baby person. They are cute and all but please, don’t ask me to hold them, feed them and heaven forbid change their diapers. Gift was different, somehow, her weakness made her more special to me. She needed me and it was a delight to take care of her (yes, even changing her poopy diapers). I knew I was being unfair to the other babies. When she cried, I came running. I couldn’t help it, she was mine, my favorite. I’d gladly stop whatever I was doing to come fulfill her needs. I was almost sad when she fell asleep and it was time to put her in her crib.

And then, the day came, the day for me to go home. I didn’t live in Uganda after all and even though I knew the day was coming it was worse than I could have imagined. It broke my heart. I cried every night. At the mention of her name, tears welled up in my eyes, I couldn’t stop them. I began to pray for my baby girl, I longed to have her again. I didn’t understand it. I had only had her a month. She had done nothing to earn my love. She didn’t even tell me she loved me back. How could I love so much, so quickly? I knew there was nothing I could do but pray and trust that she would be okay and maybe, maybe one day, she would come back to me.

 A few days after I left, I was in a church service. It was worship but, to be totally honest, I wasn’t praising God, I was thinking about Gift. I began to complain to God. How could He do that to me? How could I loose my baby? And then, in a gentle, soft voice, God spoke to my heart “Hope, how do you think I feel?” And then it hit me. I began to cry as I thought about God, the one who created me and you and all of humanity. He created us, loved us, made us, delighted in us. What unimaginable pain He must feel over His lost children? I had known this baby a month and I was heart broken. How much more must God ache when His babies reject Him, choose their own path, go a different way?

Gift's First Day at the Baby Home
 Right after being rescued from the pit latrine

And I’m not just talking about all the “lost” people out there in the world. I’m talking about me. I’m talking about those times that I sin. That I turn from God, when I reject Him and decide my way is better than His. In many ways, we are all like Gift. We are vulnerable, we are exposed, we don’t know who we are. And we begin to cry out in our abandonment and our pain, crying out to be saved from our circumstances. And then along comes our Father, our Savior, our God. He scoops us up out of our pit, out of the mess we are in. He cleans us off. He binds our wounds. He tells us we are lovely. He delights in spending time with us. We don’t have to do anything, we don’t have to perform, He just wants to be with us. He delights in fixing our needs, He knows our cry. He knows how to comfort us, He knows how to make us rest. We are His favorite, His delight. He just wants us. And then one day, we leave, we turn away, we take our own path. And there He is, heart broken. He cries for us, He longs for us and waits until the day we come back to Him.

Although what I had felt was only a small glimpse of God’s love, He had only revealed a sliver of His heart, I began to weep. I began to hate my sin and I began to love sinners. And there was God, ready to wrap me in His arms again. Despite the pain, despite the rejection. He didn’t see me as the child who broke His heart. He just saw me as His miracle, His wonder, His treasure, His Gift.

There are some of God’s children today who are still living in their old identity. They still believe the lies that others told them, that they aren’t worth it, that they have no value. There are some who still think they need to perform, they don’t understand that God just wants to hold them, to care for them, to protect them, to give them the best. And there are still some who are in the bottom of their pit. Without her cries, no one would have come to save Gift, they wouldn’t have known she was there. Some people are there in the pit, and God is waiting for them to cry out to Him so they too can become His Gifts.

Don't just take my word for it, dwell on these promises from the your Father God: 

“But now, this is what the Lord says- He who created you, o Jacob (insert your name here), He who created you, o Israel (your name ) ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior’” Isaiah 43:1-3 NIV

“He brought me to a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.” Psalm 18:19 NIV

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” John 14:27 NIV

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 NIV

“So he (the prodigal son) got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him” Luke 15:20 NIV 

"'Thought the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed' says the Lord, who has compassion on you" Isaiah 54:10 NIV