"Don't Eat Me"

"What?" I questioned, confused. "Don't eat me" repeated 7-year-old Emmanuel (Emma). Was he joking? I looked into his face, he was serious. Emma had a special place in my heart, he pulled my heart strings. He was sad, so sad, the saddest child I had ever seen. Rarely did a smile break across his face, never a laugh, hugs were forced. What horrible things must he have faced to become so hopeless? I prayed for him daily, he had started to grin lately, learning to trust again.  I stood there holding his teal blue blanket above his bunk bed, lights off, mosquitos buzzing. It was my normal goodnight ritual, tucking in the eight children that I now watched at night, pulling tight their nets (praise the Lord for those), whispering "Nkwagala nyo" (I love you so much) to each one and one peck on the forehead. I loved being the mama to these babies, singing them songs, wiping their tears when they had nightmares, morning snuggles times were my favorite.

Sweet boy Emma

As I stood there, I had no idea what this little child was talking about. This was not our first night. Eat him? What could he mean? I continued on with my goodnight ritual, including a peck on the cheek.

Everyone was tucked, goodnighted, and kissed. I gladly welcomed my 7:30 bedtime (pathetic, I know) and laid down on my foam mattress. But this was just the start of a long, tiring night, after two earthquakes and being attacked by a bird who decided to take up residence in the bathroom, 5-year-old Peace woke up screaming. Rushing to her side to comfort her, to reassure her, to love her, I met a girl whose eyes filled with horror at the sight of me. Now I was beyond confused, first of all, I didn't know birds attacked people and secondly, here was the same girl who had sat on my lap during story time now terrified of me. Emma began to speak to her in Luganda, he wouldn't translate, he wouldn't let me in on his secret. The more I listened, the more I understood, Peace was afraid of me. She was afraid to sleep with her Mzungu (white) auntie and her fear was being perpetuated by what Emma was saying. After a brief but firm discussion about being a big brother to the other children, Emma wept, his eyes were downcast, he was ashamed. Emma cried himself to sleep that night.

Love this boy

I would love to say that I was everything I should have been at that moment; patient, understanding, he was after all a 7-year-old boy that needed love. But I wasn't, I was irritated, I was angry. Here I was giving up my sleep, being eaten alive by mosquitos, waking this kid up in the middle of the night because he still wet the bed, sharing my blankets, my life, my love (haha, I had such a bad attitude). And now Emma was here making things up, telling the children I would hurt them, he knew it wasn't true, his behavior proved it. I went to bed angry (so anti-Biblical). By the next morning, Peace, Emma and the rest of the children were in my lap for story time, all was forgiven, the adventurous night before had been forgotten. And yet, I still could not understand why Emma insisted on telling me not to eat him. A few days later, the realization came; Emma had never been given kisses in his life. He perceived my comfort, my affection, my love as a threat, as a bad thing that I was hurting him, that I had bad intentions. When I went to kiss Emma, he thought I was going to eat him.

Emma enjoying a Mirinda Fruti Soda

When I was able to get over my offense and understand what Emma was telling me, two things hit me. The first was that everyone has a filter through which they perceive and a loveless filter leads to a hopeless, guarded, fearful perspective. My friend has a 10-month- old and he loves to give kisses. Big, slobbery, wide mouthed attacks right on your cheek and I love every single one of them. Why does he do this?  Because he receives hundreds of kisses from his sweet mama everyday, he is loved so he knows how to love back. Emma had been abandoned, he didn't even remember his mother. Emma did not know how to give kisses because he had never been given kisses, he didn't even recognize them when he saw them. Sometimes I meet people in my life and I am immediately turned off by their rough, angry nature. I blame it on them, our personalties just don't fit well, sometimes I just walk away offended. But just like Emma, maybe they have never received love, the unconditional kind, the forgiving kind, the gracious kind and can't recognize it when it comes much less replicate it for others. Maybe instead of giving up on them so quickly, I should ask God to help me love them, the kind of love that can break down their walls and opens their heart for God's healing to pour into their wounds. I began to wonder what happens to people when I, the representation of Jesus on the earth, don't represent God correctly. If I have a loveless perspective and therefore a loveless reality, I don't see God's love correctly so I can't give God's love correctly. Maybe because of my own pain, my issues with God, things I haven't let go of, or simply the lies that I believe, I portray a god that is so far from the merciful, loving Savior that has given everything to redeem my soul. Just like Emma, I portray through my words or actions things that aren't true. Emma told Peace things that weren't true and she looked at me differently, I began to ask myself, am I doing the same thing?

Soon after this evening, Emma discovered that I wasn't actually trying to eat him. I'm sure he felt relieved. It quickly became a game of ours. He would come up to me, holding back a grin and say "Auntie Hopu, don't eat me". Immediately Emma would find himself in my lap receiving an abundance of kisses, tickles and snuggles. Through a torrent of wiggles and laughs Emma would repeat "Don't eat me Auntie Hopu, I'm not a sweetie". (By saying "sweetie" he was referring to candy). I would of course continue giving him kisses on the cheek and respond "You are my sweetie". I loved this little boy so much and he had learned how to receive love.  When his perspective changed, his reality changed. What he had first perceived as a threat, he was now perceiving as love and affection and he couldn't get enough of it. When it was time for me to say goodbye, Emma had to be pryed off of my lap with tears (which broke my heart). This is the second revelation I received from God, something I knew but something He has been reminding me of lately. He isn't correcting me because He hates me and no, I'm not in this difficult situation because God wants bad things in my life, and yes, His plan really is better than mine and that's why He closed that door. He leads me on a different path because His is better. He really was with me through that rough patch and has proven His provision for me. God points out my sin, my weaknesses, my broken places because He loves me.

I know this sounds ridiculous to some and very familiar to others. Some might

Morning snuggles with my babies

ask, why would God correct me if He loves me, why would He point out that painful area I'm not letting go of, can't He see that that hurts me? Yes, of course He does and that's exactly why He does it. Just as it is inconceivable that any parent would not give their children kisses and other forms of physical affection, it is inconceivable that a loving God would leave me in my mess, my sin, my dysfunction and let me go my own way even though He has a better one. If anyone has ever gotten a severe burn they know the best way to prevent scaring is to scrub away the mutilated skin (talk about painful and the total opposite of what we want to do). Sure, it probably hurts at first and I might not understand it and I might not like it, just as Emma didn't understand kisses, but when I come on the other side, am I really going to regret God making me into better a person? 

As I said, to some people this is a familiar concept. I myself had heard it hundreds of times growing up, I could point to verses that support the idea, logically, I can explain it. But, I realized that in a lot of ways, I'm not really living that way. I wasn't living like I actually believed it. When I face a trial in my life, the last thing I want to do is praise God, when a friend lovingly points out a weakness in my life, the last thing I want to do is thank them, when God closes the door on a plan of mine the last thing I want to do is humbly submit to His will and when the Holy Spirit begins to pry into the hurt parts of my heart that I have hidden away, the last thing I want to do is open the door and invite Him in. But that is because my view of God is flawed, I have been lied too, just like Peace, and I can't see what He is doing is loving me.

Praying for this precious boy

This wasn't an easy pill for me to swallow, I wanted to make this reminder about other people, not apply it to my own life.  I took a long look at the lies I believed and the way I was representing God to others. This has required me to do some things I didn't want to do. These past few weeks I have let God in, I've given up parts of my heart, I've begun to praise Him when I don't want to, to trust Him when it I am afraid to do so, and I've humbly walked over to His side and said "Daddy, don't eat me" and the minute I do I find myself being pulled into the most loving embrace, filled with affection, overwhelming joy, acceptance, healing, safety, peace and a God who keeps reminding me "You are my sweetie". 


Ask God to reveal the lies you have been believing and consider these scriptures: 

"Blessed is the man you discipline, O Lord, the man you teach from your law; you grant him relief from days of trouble" Psalm 94:12-13a NIV

"For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned" John 3:17-18a NIV

"God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, is produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it" Hebrews 12:10-11 NIV

"God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him...There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out all fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:16, 18 NIV

Also, I highly recommend the book Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets Them Free  by Nancy Leigh DeMoss (even if you are a man ;) )