Single. That's a super fun word.

I have been slightly worried that this post is going to sound one part bitter, one part angry feminist and one part crazy girl who already has a wedding planned but it is my heart and my heart is beautiful so who cares. If you do care, then you should probably just stop reading. 

I am single. There I said it. Haha. That’s actually a joke because anyone who knows me would know that I am in fact single. But this is a topic I have been SO reluctant to talk about and have quite frankly stubbornly refused to even acknowledge with serious thought. I have resisted reading books about it or listening to podcasts on it. I just don’t want to talk about the fact that I am single. You’re probably reading this and thinking I don’t want to talk about it because I’m just so lonely it will make me sad but that actually isn’t the truth at all. I don’t want to talk about it because I REALLY love my life and because I’m just a super appeasing individual who goes with the flow (jk, that ain’t true), I love it when people assume that if I’m single, I’m sad or lonely or think less of myself. In case you didn’t pick up on that sarcasm, I hate it when people assume things about me, especially about how I feel, because 1) how I feel is entirely up to me and is my responsibility alone and 2) I will tell you how I feel so you really don’t need to guess. (I warned you, one part bitter, one part angry, one part crazy.)

Anyway, I have been so resistant because I have never seen myself as less or sad or lonely for being single and somehow by not acknowledging that part of me, or not talking about it, I was in my head at least, telling the world how happy I am and how much I didn’t need to be in a relationship to be whole. But truthfully, by not acknowledging it I was also not acknowledging some of the dreams in my heart. So here I am acknowledging it for all the world to see. 

Okay, here is that bitter angry part. I am really tired of being viewed as less because of my relationship status. I am tired of being viewed as incomplete or not whole or less capable. I am so tired of being viewed as less of a leader or less of an adult. I would like to tell you this has not been an issue in my life. I would like to tell you that no one has ever so condescendingly ignored any information coming out of my mouth because well, how could I possibly understand because I’m single. I would like to tell you that every door has been opened to me in the church world simply because I am crazy in love with Jesus and my relationship status has never been a factor in determining what I can handle, take on or am capable of in the eyes of others (I am also a woman so that's a whole other ball game). I would love to tell you that no one has ever asked me how I am handling being “older” and still single in a casual conversation because somehow 25 became old (I was actually younger when they asked me) and being single became something that needed to be handled. I would love to tell you that these things never affected me, that my confidence was never rattled and that they never hurt. I would love to tell you I never felt like less (of a woman, of an adult, of a Christian, of an attractive person, you name it). I would love to tell you those things but I can’t. I CAN tell you that it gets a little bit better every day, every year and in every season and I find myself more fully accepted as I am in this season of my life than ever before. There are many people that have had worse and have paved the way and I am so grateful for my current life stage. This is the best it has ever been. 

I am not as naive to think that I have any grasp on what married life is like because I don’t. I'm not even going to pretend that I do. I have no idea. I know that there are things I will learn through getting married someday that I won’t be able to learn any other way. I would never pretend to understand married life because I don't. But I DO understand getting food poison and having to clean up my own vomit while you're still very sick so you can sit on the toilet. I do understand moving across the country by myself. I do understand going through significant trauma and feeling all alone. I do understand figuring out insurance and student loan payments and paying off debt and taking care of my car, my life, myself, my friendships, my finances, stepping into my calling as a single person. I do understand working on holidays because I am single and live far from any family. I do understand not knowing where I am going to live next because all my roommates keep getting married! Hahaha. 

Okay, here comes the “crazy” lady part. This year God has done tremendous things in my life in the areas of marriage and relationships. I don’t want to be sharing ANY of this with you all because it feels so vulnerable to me but whatever, think less of me if you want :). Back to the point. God has done tremendous things in me and I have a confession; I want to get married. I want to have an awkward first date. I want to get to the point of really letting myself love someone even if I don’t have reassurances that they will love me back and lean into how scary that is. I want to be told I’m beautiful. I want to be taken care of. I want someone else to be contributing to student loans and rent. I want to make supper for someone and them to like it. I was get all dressed up and fix my hair fancy and stand up in front of a bunch of people and talk about how much I never thought the day would come when I would get to be the bride. I want to fight with someone and know they are stuck with me so we have to work it out. I want to have babies and disagree on names but pick a perfect one anyway. I want to invite someone into my world and ask them their opinion. I want them to love my friends. I want to face whatever life brings with someone at my side. 

It took me so long to admit these things. It took me so long to admit that to my own heart, much less say it. Because the truth is I am no less because I am single. My life is no less full and no less rich and no less fulfilled. I am capable. I am a leader. I am confident. I am heathy. But I also want more for my life than I currently have. There is no shame in being single. There is no shame in wanting more. There is no shame in being sad or feeling lonely. And there is no shame in feeling righteous indignation when someone thinks less of you because you aren’t married. There is no shame.

I am single. I am 25. It has been over a year since I went on a date (and I asked him out). I’m celebrating girls who I mentored as a college graduate when they were 18 years old and they are now walking down the aisle. I am showing up and loving them well and meaning every second of it. I may have less prospects than I did in college or, let's be honest, even high school but I have SO MUCH HOPE. And hoping for something that big without any evidence that it could come true and admitting this hope and believing this hope and investing in this hope (ya’ll know I have a wedding fund jar), that is vulnerable. And admitting that sometimes I am sad and sometimes I do feel like less and sometimes I want someone to reassure me that I'm not, that is vulnerable. Vulnerability and shame cannot coexist, so between the two, I will choose vulnerability. (Just call me the Vulnerability Queen)

Ultimately, this comes down to the shame lie that you are “not enough” because of your lack of a life partner. You are more than enough. You are freaking amazing. You look good because you want to but also catching the attention of the cute boy you’ve been crushing on for months. You are paying your bills and conquering the world, one homemade meal at a time. You fed yourself today. You are winning this adult game. You are loving your friends and letting yourself be seen. You are worth every dime you spend on yourself. Save for your wedding. Go after your dreams. Celebrate your friends. Tell them when you’re sad. You're sadness doesn’t take away from their dreams and their joy won’t deter yours. God has more than enough to go around. Be there. 

So I say, be single and be freaking happy. Be single and be freaking sad. Be single and be lonely and cry and rant at your friends and eat Starbursts (or whatever). Be single and ask the person out. Be single and say yes. Be single and love your life. Be single and wish for more. Be single and lean into the scary, vulnerable hopes for your future. Also, go on dates. Lots of them if you want. And get engaged and get married and make babies and buy houses and buy puppies and make brownies and start families and live fully secure that who you are is enough and you are no less. Do all of these things. Or don’t do any of them. You are enough, just as you  are. #ShameFreeSaturday

Unbreakable Hope Hagerty

It all happened while I was watching Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Yeah, I know. I thought the show was absolutely ridiculous at first but my roommate started watching it and I had just finished all of the Harry Potter movies so I was without a series. Anyway, if you don't know what the show is about, I'll give you a brief summary. A woman named Kimmy was kidnapped and kept inside of a bunker for 15 years by a man posing a preacher who told all the women in the bunker that the apocolypse had happened and they were the last ones on earth. It sounds dark but it's actually really light hearted and incredibly goofy and in true Tina Fey fashion full of satire. The women are rescued and Kimmy moves to New York for a fresh start and despite spending most of her life in a bunker held captive by a crazy person who told her she was garbage all of the time, her spirit and joy are unbreakable. Yeah, this is already embarrassing me too.

Anyway, there is a part in which the preacher tries to tell Kimmy she is a "garbage person" and she begins to argue with him and he says something along the lines of, "One of these days I am going to break you." and Kimmy responds with joyful defiance, "No you won't". That has been my life this week. Or if I am going to be honest, most of my twenties.

This week I have been fighting for my identity. I have been fighting for the truth of who I am. I have been fighting to stand up and say I am worth it. I have been fighting the crap life throws and saying, "Oh no you won't."

I got rejected recently (see my last post for how I reacted to that). And it really, really hurt. My life has not turned out at all how I thought it was going to. And this rejection brought up some ugly hurts that have buried themselves deep in my heart. I sometimes wonder how I ended up quite where I am and I then I go oh yeah, remember all of those life altering things that happened in the last few years, yeah, that's how you ended up here. I have tried with all of my might to not consider myself a victim because quite frankly, despite the rough parts, I really love my life and because there are people in much worse circumstances. But I would be doing a discredit to the redemptive power of God, the loyalty of my friends and the resilience of my own Spirit if I did not fully acknowledge that I have been presented with some challenges and some real hurts that could have easily side-lined me. But they haven't. Here I am world, standing tall, unbreakable.


However, this week has been a fight for my identity. It has been a fight to see the value in who I am. I recently had a very significant encounter with Holy Spirit when I met the newborn son of some dear friends of mine. Peter is his name and we are great friends :) The first time I held Peter I was overwhelmed with an awe-inspiring awareness of how much God values me. As I held Peter, I knew that I loved him instantly and I honestly had been loving him before I even met him. Not because of his merits or works but because he as a person holds immense value. For the rest of his life, no matter what he does, nothing will ever take away from the awe I felt for him in that moment. And that is how God thinks of you every second of every day, all of the time! Honestly, He thinks even higher of you, because I am not a parent and if I can feel that way, than God's love must be about a million times more significant.

Just dwell on that for a second. You are SO loved that God made you just to love you and then moved Heaven and Earth to win your heart so you can be with Him in joy and truth and freedom and on top of that, He STILL shows up to comfort you and love you and tell you that you can do it. All of that is motivated by a heart of love that has seen you the same since the moment your born, at your highest high and lowest low. That is a some crazy big love.

I really let this revelation sink into my heart for a few weeks. I talked about it at Bible study. I even shared a Facebook live video about it. I am really grateful that God showed me that truth and I thought I would be perfectly content just sitting in awe of that for a while. And then I faced some rejection and waves of past hurt and trauma and insecurity came flooding at me. Suddenly I was sobbing and asking God what was wrong with me and where had I missed it? This is not my typical behavior.

The last few days have been interesting. I truly love my life. I am in awe of the things I get to do. I am full of hope and promise and the truth of God's goodness so I could not understand why tears seemed to be so near the surface. And while watching Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, I think I actually figured it out.

I had been allowing outward examples of "failure" or lack of success influence my own idea of my worth. I had forgotten the victories that God had already won for me and the battles I had come out of stronger. There are areas of lack in my life and things that I am not proud of. I have a big mouth sometimes that can get me in lots of trouble. I have a temper. I can sometimes be rash. When I feel a lot, which is basically all of the time, I am not one of those people that can throw themselves into work. Feelings make me physically tired which is really inconvenient. I have chosen my own mental and emotional health over what I "owe" someone else, every time. I resist anything that feels like confinement and would honestly, willingly be alone if that was only way to be free (Praise the Lord it is NOT!! Again, see last post). From a worldly standard, I have not been very successful post-college.

But you know what else, I have felt pain and come out more whole. I have seen despair and come out hopeful. I have faced many things. I have failed in many ways. I have forgiven easily and sometimes held onto bitterness. I have dug my feet for way longer than necessary and I have fallen on my knees exposing my weakness to the only One who can save me from myself. And I refuse to be side-lined or broken. I refuse to believe the lies that my worth is any less. I refuse to give up the freedom and courage and identity that Jesus fought so hard to give me. I needed the truth of God's immense, far-reaching, overpowering, unending love and acceptance to sink so deep in my heart, that no amount of rejection or failure can throw me. As I was watching this show I realized, that I am unbreakable, not because of my fight but because God already won it. I don't have to fight it anymore, I just have to be and let the truth sink in. I will not be broken. I will not listen to that "Garbage person" voice. Because I am Unbreakable Hope Hagerty.

So today, I put on some worship music and took a nap. Yeah, I fell asleep and let the God of the universe comfort my soul and speak to my heart. Because He loves me that big.

You don't need to listen to the Garbage Person voice in your life either. There are things that each of us battle with in terms of our worth. Whether it is your job or your weight or your looks or your relationship or lack there of or your own failures or your family or whatever it is that is yelling at you to be silent, to sit down and to stop. They will not break you because you are Unbreakable.

So if you are serious about this, write your new title down somewhere. Somewhere you will see it. You are Unbreakable Blankity Blank. And then let the truth of the immense love of God sink in. Let Him tell you are worth it. Let Him tell you that you can do it. Let Him remind you of your victorious past and your brilliant future. Let Him heal the rejection, the insecurities and the pain. Let Him tell you what you are capable of and how valuable you are.

Jesus won the battle. He has done it. And He did it for me. He did it for you too. God looked at me and said "She is so worth it." And I am letting God have the final say on that.

Lonely isn't Sexy

I have a very beautiful life and I consider myself to be a brave, independent, giving person despite of and in the midst of some really crappy things that have happened (yep, we're going to be really eloquent in this post). I get energized by new ideas and making things better and projects! I literally planned an entire business yesterday down to branding, staffing needs and merchandise in my head while at work. I am able to take on a lot of things and I can't seem to help myself but become a leader whenever there is an opportunity to do so. 

I consider myself pretty BA if I being honest so I pretty much reject the idea that fear or lack of talent or knowledge or time can keep me from doing anything. In fact, I get super energized when I fight those fears. It was once described that the core motivation for my personality type is "to be against". There is a fight within me that just won't quit. Which is a really beautiful thing. It has caused me to fight for the people I love. It has caused me to see the beauty in myself even when others haven't. It has driven to my knees in prayer over a city that needs Jesus. It has caused me to unashamedly scream and yell and cry and dance in worship because I know God has freedom waiting for those in the room. It has caused me to not shave in 4 months and still wear shorts this summer to prove that you don't need to shave to be beautiful (this one is for me, feel free to keep shaving).

The problem with this is, sometimes I don't know what is my fight and what isn't (I will probably need to read the book Boundaries every year for the rest of my life). I also forget that I have actual needs too sometimes. And sometimes, believe it or not, I need other people to fight for me too. I literally have Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still" tattooed on my arm so I remember that I'm really not doing this alone. 

I forget these things and then believe lies that as a leader I'm on my own until I get really disappointing news at the end of tough week and a stressful work day and I start sobbing uncontrollably and use an entire tissue box. Yesterday I sent out a "I'm not doing okay" text which for me means it's bad. Those texts don't happen often. It honestly takes a lot for me to ask people for help. Like a LOT. I might talk about it a few days later when I'll still cry about it but the bitterness isn't quite so raw. 

I have faced some really horrific things in my twenties if I am being honest. Things only God and some truly amazing people could ever get me through. I have seen and felt disappointment and I have come out stronger. I honestly have walked in so much freedom and victory and I have learned that I can face a heck of a lot more than I ever realized. I have become a conqueror and conquerors don't cry in bed and use whole boxes of tissues. Or at least that's one of the lies I have been believing.

But yesterday, the disappointment was too big for me to handle on my own. I couldn't wrap it up in a neat package and tie a bow of positivity around it with some statement like God has something better. God does have something better. He always does. That has never come into question. But yesterday, my heart wasn't concerned with the something better. My heart was yelling out "I know that but right now, this hurts real bad." 

I sent out my desperate SOS text because sobbing in bed on my own was not my idea of a good Thursday night. And truthfully, because with my extroverted heart, I probably would have just cried myself into a panic or a migraine and then felt stupid about it afterwards. So I sent out the text and was met with more grace and more love and more understanding than I could have imagined. Friends filled my soul with encouragement.

And I kept on crying. My best friend sent me all the encouragement and so many Bitmojis. My coworker friends texted me and told me what a hard worker I was and that God had better things. My friends invited me to come over for baby snuggles because holding newborns is good for my soul. I drove to my friend Noah's house where he hugged me and I didn't even hug him back because I was still crying so much. So I just sorta stood there with my arms pathetically hanging at my side. And then we were joined by our friend Lydia and drove around town until midnight eating Taco Bell and talking about hurts and dreams and God and boys who broke my heart (yeah, I was the only one with stories) and the business idea I had thought of.

I woke up to more texts this morning and a pile of tissues as a reminder of how vulnerable and how loved I am. 

I am not sure why I wrote all of this out but I know that I confronted a lot of heart lies about myself last night. A lot of lies that God and people proved wrong. I figured that if I have been believing these lies, someone else must be too. So here we go, lies that simply aren't true.

1. You are alone and it's cool that way.

Yep, this is a big one. I think I could write a book on how much this lie isn't true. You are NOT alone. And nor should you be. I think that somehow to cope with the disappointment of being lonely our society has created this sort of sexy, lone wolf character that is supposed to be really cool. They are in all of the movies. The artists, the sexually "free", the mysterious ones with leather jackets or quirky talents that ride into town with a broken past. They smell like trouble and freedom and before you know it you're climbing on the back of their motorcycle and leaving your stale life behind. You know what I'm talking about. Being alone doesn't make you sexy or cool or free or stronger or more brave or independent. It makes you alone and most likely sad and probably a little angry and insecure. You were meant to live in healthy community with other people. It is VERY possible to be cool and independent and unique and very yourself and very free and unashamed and you know what, even sexy, while living in whole, healthy, thriving, fun relationships with other people. It's called boundaries and the whole world needs to knows it. (Read the book if you haven't. If you have, read it again).

2. Having needs disqualifies you as a leader. 

I thought it was super funny that right after I posted a video about worth to The Burn Fargo Moorhead's Facebook I get this disappointment and had to fight all the lies that leaders don't need people. That is a very big lie. I am the director of the Burn Furnace here in Fargo. It is a role that is a dream come true and I have made it my mission to lead out of love. I violently communicate to people how free they are from any obligation and how valued they are for themselves, not for their talents or the ways they serve. I would rather people cancel on a worship set 5 minutes before than do anything out of obligation (and I mean that, it's happened). That just isn't what the Burn is about. It's not about obligation. I have given so much freedom to the people on our team to acknowledge their needs and care for their own hearts. But for myself? I haven't listened to my own heart at all. I have stubbornly and pridefully believed that I can take it all on and I don't need them. But let me just tell you, I need them. I need them big time. I need people who let me basically fall on them because actually hugging them seems too hard at the moment. I need people who know that "I'm not okay" means "Oh God, please help me." I need people who will drive me to Taco Bell and tell me their biggest concern is for me and my heart and not for the ministry we're leading. Crying like a fool and needing my friends doesn't make me too "unstable" for leadership. It doesn't mean that I can't handle it or I'm burnt out. It means that I am a human with needs. Needs I was ignoring until I couldn't and needs that required an entire tissue box. Haha 😂 But needs don't make me less, they make me real. 

3. Having emotion means you think less of God.

This one actually makes me mad sometimes when people believe it. I was so disappointed yesterday. Just that bitter kind of disappointment. I sobbed. I emotionally ate (yeah, I know that's bad. Blah, blah, blah). I used a lot of tissues and stayed up too late. I texted a boy that isn't my boyfriend or fiancé or husband or brother or dad but who loves to the moon and back and is safe and happened to be free last night and I let him drive me around and hung out with him until his amazing girlfriend and my friend who happens to also love me to the moon and back got done with her roller derby practice (what a woman, am I right? 😉) and then she joined us on our midnight tour of the small towns outside of Moorhead, MN even though she had to work early this morning. Yeah, a boy because God made men and women to be part of his church and we have to figure out how to love each other well in this family we were put in. Anyway, I did all of those things and do be honest, I'm still grieving. That one stung. As I described these feelings last night there wasn't anything to be done, it was just like my heart was saying "Ow, this hurts a lot." But never once did that take away from God's goodness (tbh, nothing can) or how much I believed in His goodness or loved Him. Grief doesn't mean you have to trust God less or think less of Him. Grief means it hurt. Grief means that your heart got a little knocked around. It doesn't mean you throw out your entire belief system. We don't go back to crawling because we have stubbed our toes a few times while walking. That makes no sense. You walk, sometimes you stub your toe. Sometimes you might even role your ankle. But most of the time you don't, you just walk. You live your life in love with God. Sometimes your heart gets bumped. Sometimes your heart gets wrenched. But most of the time, it doesn't. Sometimes I actually get upset at the Christianese things that are said to grieving people. In my head I'm saying "Yes, I know God has another plan. But I really liked this one and right now I'm sad it didn't work." (Those things are true and said with great intentions, I'm just a brat sometimes). But God is Good beyond your loss and your grief. Being sad didn't mean that I forgot who He was or believed less of Him. I can be disappointed without throwing in the towel. And if you want to throw in the towel or you have, that's okay too because He loves you. Don't give up on God. And don't let shame tell you if you grieve that you believe in Him less. You can be disappointed and sad and angry and still really, really love Him. It's a relationship. 

Some of you may read this and get sad because you can't think of people in your life who would buy you Taco Bell. Trust me, I've been there too. I would give you two pieces of advice on that part. First, ask God to bring you those people. He wants to. Psalm 68:5 "He puts the lonely in families". (Read it). And second, I would say be that Taco Bell person for someone else and you'll be amazed at how much you will reap that 10 fold. 

You are really loved. I am really loved. We're all just a bunch of messy, really loved people.