Lonely isn't Sexy

I have a very beautiful life and I consider myself to be a brave, independent, giving person despite of and in the midst of some really crappy things that have happened (yep, we're going to be really eloquent in this post). I get energized by new ideas and making things better and projects! I literally planned an entire business yesterday down to branding, staffing needs and merchandise in my head while at work. I am able to take on a lot of things and I can't seem to help myself but become a leader whenever there is an opportunity to do so. 

I consider myself pretty BA if I being honest so I pretty much reject the idea that fear or lack of talent or knowledge or time can keep me from doing anything. In fact, I get super energized when I fight those fears. It was once described that the core motivation for my personality type is "to be against". There is a fight within me that just won't quit. Which is a really beautiful thing. It has caused me to fight for the people I love. It has caused me to see the beauty in myself even when others haven't. It has driven to my knees in prayer over a city that needs Jesus. It has caused me to unashamedly scream and yell and cry and dance in worship because I know God has freedom waiting for those in the room. It has caused me to not shave in 4 months and still wear shorts this summer to prove that you don't need to shave to be beautiful (this one is for me, feel free to keep shaving).

The problem with this is, sometimes I don't know what is my fight and what isn't (I will probably need to read the book Boundaries every year for the rest of my life). I also forget that I have actual needs too sometimes. And sometimes, believe it or not, I need other people to fight for me too. I literally have Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still" tattooed on my arm so I remember that I'm really not doing this alone. 

I forget these things and then believe lies that as a leader I'm on my own until I get really disappointing news at the end of tough week and a stressful work day and I start sobbing uncontrollably and use an entire tissue box. Yesterday I sent out a "I'm not doing okay" text which for me means it's bad. Those texts don't happen often. It honestly takes a lot for me to ask people for help. Like a LOT. I might talk about it a few days later when I'll still cry about it but the bitterness isn't quite so raw. 

I have faced some really horrific things in my twenties if I am being honest. Things only God and some truly amazing people could ever get me through. I have seen and felt disappointment and I have come out stronger. I honestly have walked in so much freedom and victory and I have learned that I can face a heck of a lot more than I ever realized. I have become a conqueror and conquerors don't cry in bed and use whole boxes of tissues. Or at least that's one of the lies I have been believing.

But yesterday, the disappointment was too big for me to handle on my own. I couldn't wrap it up in a neat package and tie a bow of positivity around it with some statement like God has something better. God does have something better. He always does. That has never come into question. But yesterday, my heart wasn't concerned with the something better. My heart was yelling out "I know that but right now, this hurts real bad." 

I sent out my desperate SOS text because sobbing in bed on my own was not my idea of a good Thursday night. And truthfully, because with my extroverted heart, I probably would have just cried myself into a panic or a migraine and then felt stupid about it afterwards. So I sent out the text and was met with more grace and more love and more understanding than I could have imagined. Friends filled my soul with encouragement.

And I kept on crying. My best friend sent me all the encouragement and so many Bitmojis. My coworker friends texted me and told me what a hard worker I was and that God had better things. My friends invited me to come over for baby snuggles because holding newborns is good for my soul. I drove to my friend Noah's house where he hugged me and I didn't even hug him back because I was still crying so much. So I just sorta stood there with my arms pathetically hanging at my side. And then we were joined by our friend Lydia and drove around town until midnight eating Taco Bell and talking about hurts and dreams and God and boys who broke my heart (yeah, I was the only one with stories) and the business idea I had thought of.

I woke up to more texts this morning and a pile of tissues as a reminder of how vulnerable and how loved I am. 

I am not sure why I wrote all of this out but I know that I confronted a lot of heart lies about myself last night. A lot of lies that God and people proved wrong. I figured that if I have been believing these lies, someone else must be too. So here we go, lies that simply aren't true.

1. You are alone and it's cool that way.

Yep, this is a big one. I think I could write a book on how much this lie isn't true. You are NOT alone. And nor should you be. I think that somehow to cope with the disappointment of being lonely our society has created this sort of sexy, lone wolf character that is supposed to be really cool. They are in all of the movies. The artists, the sexually "free", the mysterious ones with leather jackets or quirky talents that ride into town with a broken past. They smell like trouble and freedom and before you know it you're climbing on the back of their motorcycle and leaving your stale life behind. You know what I'm talking about. Being alone doesn't make you sexy or cool or free or stronger or more brave or independent. It makes you alone and most likely sad and probably a little angry and insecure. You were meant to live in healthy community with other people. It is VERY possible to be cool and independent and unique and very yourself and very free and unashamed and you know what, even sexy, while living in whole, healthy, thriving, fun relationships with other people. It's called boundaries and the whole world needs to knows it. (Read the book if you haven't. If you have, read it again).

2. Having needs disqualifies you as a leader. 

I thought it was super funny that right after I posted a video about worth to The Burn Fargo Moorhead's Facebook I get this disappointment and had to fight all the lies that leaders don't need people. That is a very big lie. I am the director of the Burn Furnace here in Fargo. It is a role that is a dream come true and I have made it my mission to lead out of love. I violently communicate to people how free they are from any obligation and how valued they are for themselves, not for their talents or the ways they serve. I would rather people cancel on a worship set 5 minutes before than do anything out of obligation (and I mean that, it's happened). That just isn't what the Burn is about. It's not about obligation. I have given so much freedom to the people on our team to acknowledge their needs and care for their own hearts. But for myself? I haven't listened to my own heart at all. I have stubbornly and pridefully believed that I can take it all on and I don't need them. But let me just tell you, I need them. I need them big time. I need people who let me basically fall on them because actually hugging them seems too hard at the moment. I need people who know that "I'm not okay" means "Oh God, please help me." I need people who will drive me to Taco Bell and tell me their biggest concern is for me and my heart and not for the ministry we're leading. Crying like a fool and needing my friends doesn't make me too "unstable" for leadership. It doesn't mean that I can't handle it or I'm burnt out. It means that I am a human with needs. Needs I was ignoring until I couldn't and needs that required an entire tissue box. Haha 😂 But needs don't make me less, they make me real. 

3. Having emotion means you think less of God.

This one actually makes me mad sometimes when people believe it. I was so disappointed yesterday. Just that bitter kind of disappointment. I sobbed. I emotionally ate (yeah, I know that's bad. Blah, blah, blah). I used a lot of tissues and stayed up too late. I texted a boy that isn't my boyfriend or fiancé or husband or brother or dad but who loves to the moon and back and is safe and happened to be free last night and I let him drive me around and hung out with him until his amazing girlfriend and my friend who happens to also love me to the moon and back got done with her roller derby practice (what a woman, am I right? 😉) and then she joined us on our midnight tour of the small towns outside of Moorhead, MN even though she had to work early this morning. Yeah, a boy because God made men and women to be part of his church and we have to figure out how to love each other well in this family we were put in. Anyway, I did all of those things and do be honest, I'm still grieving. That one stung. As I described these feelings last night there wasn't anything to be done, it was just like my heart was saying "Ow, this hurts a lot." But never once did that take away from God's goodness (tbh, nothing can) or how much I believed in His goodness or loved Him. Grief doesn't mean you have to trust God less or think less of Him. Grief means it hurt. Grief means that your heart got a little knocked around. It doesn't mean you throw out your entire belief system. We don't go back to crawling because we have stubbed our toes a few times while walking. That makes no sense. You walk, sometimes you stub your toe. Sometimes you might even role your ankle. But most of the time you don't, you just walk. You live your life in love with God. Sometimes your heart gets bumped. Sometimes your heart gets wrenched. But most of the time, it doesn't. Sometimes I actually get upset at the Christianese things that are said to grieving people. In my head I'm saying "Yes, I know God has another plan. But I really liked this one and right now I'm sad it didn't work." (Those things are true and said with great intentions, I'm just a brat sometimes). But God is Good beyond your loss and your grief. Being sad didn't mean that I forgot who He was or believed less of Him. I can be disappointed without throwing in the towel. And if you want to throw in the towel or you have, that's okay too because He loves you. Don't give up on God. And don't let shame tell you if you grieve that you believe in Him less. You can be disappointed and sad and angry and still really, really love Him. It's a relationship. 

Some of you may read this and get sad because you can't think of people in your life who would buy you Taco Bell. Trust me, I've been there too. I would give you two pieces of advice on that part. First, ask God to bring you those people. He wants to. Psalm 68:5 "He puts the lonely in families". (Read it). And second, I would say be that Taco Bell person for someone else and you'll be amazed at how much you will reap that 10 fold. 

You are really loved. I am really loved. We're all just a bunch of messy, really loved people.