A Pink One

I climbed the familiar steps, they had those grip strips on them and they worked too. I know because I had tried and failed to slide down those very stairs on my mattress. I climbed those steps with a beige colored file folder in one hand and a flower pen in the other. I knocked on the wooden door, it was answered by a nervous, quiet girl, Jenna. She was living in the freshman dorm in which I was an RA and I was meeting her so she could be moved to another room. I did my normal spiel about how I needed to check the room for damages, how happy I was she was moving to my floor, I prattled away and she quietly smiled out of politeness.

            We walked back down the steps and I showed her, her new room, only a few down from mine. The last statement I made was “Well, now that you’re on my floor, we’ll probably be best friends". Little did I know how true that statement was. 

My fantastic friend and wonderful small group co-leader, Sara.
She has always challenged me to give all that I  have to the Lord!

            It was my sophomore year of college and I was a Resident Assistant in an all-girl freshman dorm. I had applied for this job that last spring even though it had not been my plan at all. You see, I have a dear friend, Sara, who talked about becoming an RA in this dorm in order to minister to the girls there and to show them with the love of God. I remember practically staring at her and saying “God would have to specifically tell me before I ever did anything like that”. A week later, Sara and I were walking through the halls of that dorm praying for the girls, asking God to move in that place, asking for His love to reside there. I saw a poster advertising the RA position and something began to tug on my heart, I stubbornly ignored it, convincing myself that God just wanted me to pray for the RAs in that dorm. Right. The following Sunday, I listened to a sermon about reaping and sowing, the things we sow for the Lord we will surely reap. I responded to the prompting of the Holy Spirit, prayed and the next day I turned in my application for the RA position, one hour before the deadline.

            Truth be told, I don’t think I was actually qualified for the position. I transferred in half through my freshman year with enough credits to make me a sophomore so I ended up in transfer student apartments, I had never lived in a dorm before. I didn’t lie on the form, I told the truth and I knew God would open the door if it was supposed to be opened. When you applied, your name was put in for all RA positions, not one at a specific dorm. Again, I didn’t know what would happen but I knew God would open the door it was supposed to be opened.

            I went through the whole process, the group interview, the individual inter

Some of our small group girls!

view, the waiting time. I did not know what to expect and then I got the call that I had the position, as an RA in the very dorm I had spent the last semester praying in once a week. No questions were asked about my living in the apartment or about the fact that preference was given to those who turned in their application first and mine was last. God had opened the door.

            To say God burdened me for that dorm would be an understatement. I knew God had given me this opportunity and I wanted to honor Him in it. I began to pray for my girls that spring and I prayed all summer, praying that God would break my heart for the girls in my dorm, praying that I would see them the way He did, praying He would continue to open doors. And oh boy, He did.

            Sara and I started a small group in my dorm room. During move in day, I had met girls who loved the Lord and wanted to grow in Him. I also met girls who knew nothing about Him and they all became part of our group. Sara and I were part of a campus ministry called Chi Alpha. The first service, ten girls came with us. And it continued to grow.

            Honestly, I look back in amazement at what God did. Every week, more and more girls began to come to Chi Alpha and small group. Every week those who were coming continued to grow in Him. God moved so much and it is truly a miracle. Barely older than these girls myself, I had so much growing to do that year, I made a lot of mistakes, I overcommitted a lot, I was caring around my own wounds but God worked in spite of all of those things. Opportunities to share my faith came up like I had never seen.

            A few weeks into the school year, I challenged the girls to fast and pray for five friends who didn't know God. Jenna, had just recently moved in with one of my friends and small group girls, Julia. Julia began to pray and fast for Jenna. For five weeks, we prayed, we fasted, we invited. Finally, after receiving an invitation by one of her friends back home, Jenna came to a Chi Alpha service (if that’s not a set up I don’t know what is). God changed Jenna’s life.

            After that service, Jenna began to come to church, to small group, to Chi Alpha. She was quiet at first but I will never forget the day she sat in my dorm room and shared what God had done in her heart. I cried, a lot, which I’m sure freaked her out. As Jenna began to come to more and more events, I saw God completely transform this girl and she became one of my dearest friends. I was amazed at how quickly Jenna was accepting God into her life and with the maturity she was growing in Him. I had never seen anything like it.

Dear friends, Jenna and Julia

            In January, only a few minutes after Jenna attended her first Chi Alpha service, she came to a conference with all of us. At this conference, Jenna was filled with the Holy Spirit. It was one of the most powerful encounters I have ever experienced with God. When we returned from that conference, God did even more than He had already done. Our small group went form eight girls to 18 within one week. By the end of the year we were averaging 20 girls. Another Chi Alpha small group that met just down the hall had also reached over 20 and the two other small groups in this dorm also grew.

            Jenna began inviting her friends, telling everyone she knew what God had done in her. It was easy to forget that Jenna had only known God for a short time, she grew in Him so fast. Jenna and Julia soon became some of my dearest friends in the whole world. There room was only three doors from mine, which meant I was in their room everyday.

            When I look back at my sophomore year, I am utterly amazed. By the end of the year, I had personally seen 17 girls from that dorm give their hearts to the Lord for the first time, and Sara and I were leading only one of five small groups in that dorm. I don’t believe there was one week in which a new girl from this dorm didn't came to Chi Alpha for the first time. It was an absolute joy watching God move in the lives of the girls. I am even more amazed because despite all of this, personally, I don’t think I have ever struggled so much. I had to deal with a lot of my own junk that year, hurts I hadn’t let go of, fears that I wouldn’t surrender to God, trust that I wouldn’t give Him. God is so faithful that way and He knew I needed Jenna that year.

            Today, two years later, Jenna is a best friend. Now a small group leader herself, she shares God’s love with so much grace, compassion and wisdom. Her heart is so pure before the Lord, wanting only His will for her life, no matter the cost. Jenna is a huge support in my life and I frequently go to her for advice and prayer. I cannot even describe what a blessing she is.

            I learned so many things from Jenna. More than I can ever say. I have learned that we are never too old, or experienced or smart or “saved” to grow in the Lord. Her questions challenged me to dig deeper, to study God’s word and to really get to know the Savior I had served for so long. Her hunger for God is truly inspiring. Whenever I felt discouraged or thought of quitting being an RA (which I frequently thought of doing), God would remind me of Jenna. She had a child like faith, which is something I had forgotten to have. I got saved at a very young age and truth be told, I don’t remember it. I grew up in Sunday school and Bible camps and family prayer times. I had become so familiar with God, I had forgotten what my life would have been like without Him. After my sophomore year, I felt like God had saved me all over again. He gave me a new heart and I have tears rolling down my face now, just thinking about all He has done for me. Sometimes it is easy to forget that Jesus saved us and healed us and that we can do anything through Him. When I watch Jenna’s faith and desperation for the Lord, I am  reminded of what God has done for me and the life we are supposed to live with Him.

           

Jenna and I: Easter break of my sophomore year

One of my favorite stories from small group that year involves Jenna. She had been a part of Chi Alpha and church and small group for several months at this point and was growing so much in the Lord. We were all sitting in a crowded circle in my dorm room about to start small group. Like usual, we started off small group by asking a question and every girl took a turn answering. Tonight’s question was what kind of Bible did each girl have. What I meant by this question was what translation did each girl have (for example, NIV, KJV, ect). These beginning questions weren’t supposed to be deep but rather just break the ice questions (I usually asked things like “If you could be any fruit what would you be?”). It was Jenna’s turn first. She looked down at her Bible and back at us with kind of a confused look on her face. Then she answered “A pink one”. We all laughed, because although her Bible was indeed pink, that was not the answer I was looking for. Although this is a funny story, I learned something from this.  At this point Jenna was telling her friends about Jesus, was telling her family, was praying for people and reading her Bible daily. She was already being used by God.

That was one of the ways that I learned the incredible power of saying yes to God. Jenna had very little former Bible training and some may say she had little knowledge but she had said yes to God. The details didn’t matter and I have seen this girl share love with so many people. The next year, Jenna became a small group leader, less than a year after receiving God for herself and God has used her. It would have been easy for her to decide she didn’t know enough to begin sharing Him or she wanted to learn and receive more before she took on a role of giving. When I became an RA that year I was unqualified, broken and young but God opened every door. Even getting the position was a miracle but what God did afterwards was astonishing. I could have easily said no. I could have taken one look at those job requirements and said nope, obviously no one would hire me, I don’t qualify. Although in my case, I technically didn’t qualify, I realize there are so many times when I don’t step out in faith or say yes to God because I decide that I don’t qualify. I struggled with my relationship with God my sophomore year, it really stretched me, and yet, God used me anyway. Nothing can disqualify us from being used by God except ourselves. When God asks us to do something, all we have to do is say yes, and He will take care of the rest of it even if we don’t “qualify”. There is a strength to willingness that I have so often taken for granted. God doesn’t want our qualifications, He wants our yes.  I don’t mean that we should lead immaturely or without a lot of prayer but I do mean that if God is calling us, He will provide as soon as we say yes.

            Jenna is one of the dearest friends I have ever had. She inspires me daily and encourages me always. I can’t imagine my life without her now. Her friendship is a huge blessing in my life but truth is if I hadn’t said yes to God, would that even be the case? If Jenna hadn’t said yes to God, would we be where we are now? God has so much in store for us, so many blessings He wants to pour out on us, all we have to do is say yes, and He takes care of the rest. And its better than we could have ever imagined.

The Safest Place

My dear friends from Camp AN, Sabrina and Maggie

Three summers go, right after finishing my first year of college, I went on a missions trip to Camp Agaiutim Nune on the Yukon River near Emmonak, Alaska. Camp AN, which means Place of God, is an annual camp that serves the Native Alaskan youth and children of the Yukon River Delta. This was my second year going and I could not wait to be out there again. The youth of rural Alaska face enormous challenges everyday and for many of them, Camp AN is one of the few places where they are loved, safe, happy. Alcoholism, depression, suicide and drug abuse are problems that plague rural Alaska because of the seasonal darkness, isolation and lack of evangelical witness.

Fourwheeler with our team

Lauren riding on the Yukon River

To get to Camp AN, you first fly on an Alaska Airlines flight to Anchorage, Alaska. Then you hop on a 15-passenger plane to St. Mary’s, then six passenger plane to Emmonak. You land on strip of gravel, grab your stuff and jump on a trailer pulled behind a fourwheeler. Then you are loaded into small fishing boat and ride 45 minutes up the Yukon River to an island. This island holds Camp AN, a campsite without electricity, permanent buildings or indoor plumbing. You sleep in giant tents, eat in tents, have service in tents. Kids and teens ride up to 2 hours by boat to come spend a week at Camp AN to eat sometimes stale food, use outhouses and shower with river water but most importantly to have a life-changing encounter with the Holy Spirit.

On the plane to Emmonak, AK

Maggie once only dreamed of reaching 18 until she got
saved, delivered and healed of color blindness at Camp AN

God does miracles at this camp. Teens are set free from bondages, thoughts of suicide, drug and alcohol addictions and depression. I have seen blind eyes opened and deaf ears healed at Camp AN. These kids come with big challenges, deep wounds and hard walls. It takes a while to gain their trust, a while to hear their stories, a while to understand their hearts but when you do, you get an incredible opportunity to see God completely transform the lives of students, to change them from the inside out. By the end of the week their whole demeanors change, they smile, they laugh, they trust, they love. 
They begin to dream, to plan for the future which is something many of them don’t even believe they have. I met teens at Camp AN whose goals were simply to make it to their 18^th birthdays but end up graduating high school and pursuing college. For many of these kids this is the ONLY time of year that they get to hear the gospel, that they hear that they are valuable, that they are loved, that they are created with a purpose. Alaska is a mission field with a huge need and its in our back door. 

Camp AN breaks your heart and changes you. Working with the youth at Camp AN is one of the most challenging things I have ever done but one of the most rewarding. By the end of the week, you have made friends for life and you send them home praying desperately that what God did in them will continue to grow. Once you have been, you can never forget. 

Our team

Lauren and Karen

This particular year was my second year going out to Camp AN. I was going with a group from my college in the lower 48 (continental United States for all you non-Alaskans out there). They were all boys. In the airport on the way to Camp AN, I met two college age girls, Lauren from California and Jessica from Arizona. I got to know these incredible girls over the week of working with them. I got to see their hearts for the Lord, their willingness to serve and their dance skills that are just as good as mine ;). They were goofy and adventurous and fun. In the days that followed at Camp AN, the three of us came together. Being the only girls in a group of eleven college students, we bonded quickly. After heart-breaking goodbyes to the kids, we spent a few days hiking glaciers and falling asleep in Walmart. But more importantly we prayed. I will never forget one day in particular, we had just gotten back to Anchorage after the week at Camp AN was over, the boys were sleeping and we decided to drink tea and have a Bible study. We talked for hours, sharing our hearts, our needs, our fears, our struggles. We all shared from God’s word and prayed for each other, for Alaska, for our futures and for where God was leading us. I still have the notebook pages where I wrote down prayer requests for Lauren and Jessica. 

The Bible time that changed our lives!

When we all left Alaska, ten days after meeting, I knew that I was saying goodbye to some of the dearest, best friends in the world. Little did I know what God had for all of us, together and apart. 


Fast forward a year, Lauren was going to a university in Northern Arizona, Jessica had spent a semester in Spain and was now back in Phoenix and I had gone through a great but tough year and I knew God was leading me somewhere else. We had sort of kept up on Facebook but were all busy with our own lives. Lauren and I were sitting in the same room where the year before all three of us had sat, each of us with new teams that were heading out to Camp AN, even though I wasn’t able to join them. I sent Lauren a text that said “I might be transferring to your college next year”. 

If ever three people were meant to be friends :)

And I did. Although it was nothing that I had planned, I moved to Northern Arizona and transferred to the same university as Lauren (although when I picked that university I had completely forgotten that Lauren went there). In August, I moved to Arizona and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. Over this past year, Lauren has become one of my biggest supporters, biggest encouragers and dearest friends. Jessica drove up from Phoenix to visit us shortly before she headed off to spend a semester working with missionaries in Peru, it felt like the three of us had never been apart. Our conversations are always deep, rich, filled with laughter and tears.

Lauren's Send off!

In May, both Jessica and Lauren graduated college, Lauren moved into my apartment and I headed off to Uganda, which was a life long dream fulfilled. I got back from Uganda in August, only days before Lauren headed off to spend a year serving God in Indonesia. The three of us all met in Flagstaff, had a picnic in the rain, took ridiculous pictures and celebrated where God has taken us. We all talked about what He has taught, the prayers He has answered and the dreams He has placed on our hearts. 

Flagstaff Renunion

Jessica and Lauren have become more than friends, they have become my sisters. Through some of the most challenging times of my life, these girls have prayed for me, supported me, encouraged me, blessed me. They have been listening ears, shoulders to cry on and incredible examples of following God’s heart and His leading NO MATTER WHAT. I marvel at God’s goodness and faithfulness. God knew way back then in Alaska that I needed these girls, He knew where I would be, the struggles I would have and I can’t imagine my life without these friends. 
Something I have learned from all of this as well as every other time I have followed God’s heart into the great unknown, whether that has been going to Uganda by myself, changing majors, or changing colleges, is that there is no safer or better or more fulfilling place to be than in the will of God. I’m not saying that is always easy, or even what we want to do but Jesus promises us that HIS burden is easy. Since we first met, I have seen Jessica and Lauren experience joys, victories and triumphs and I have also seen them experience difficulties, disappointments and challenges but they would both agree that God has blessed them abundantly and they wouldn’t have it any other way. 

We are called to die to ourselves and through doing so we gain a life with Christ that is richly blessed. When we give our lives over to God, He blesses it more than we ever could ourselves not because we have earned it but because that is the incredible, lovely God we serve. Why has God blessed our friendship so much? Aside from Him being a loving Father who wants to do good things for us, I think it because all of us have committed everything we have to Him. I know Jessica and Lauren, they have given their hearts, their resources, their time, energy and everything to God. They have literally followed Him around the world and we are all blessed because of it. So, even if it isn’t what I had planned or it doesn’t make sense at the time, I am learning that the BEST and SAFEST place for me to be is in the will of God, even if that looks different than what I thought. God knows what He is doing!

I am so proud of Lauren and Jessica and I cannot wait to see what God has in store in for all of us! I love you guys so much! Thanks for challenging me and blessing my life everyday!

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn for me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:30

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Philippians 1:21

"Then He said to them all: 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." Luke 9:23-24

For more information on Camp AN visit www.campanalaska.com

House of Praise

Beautiful smiles

A sea of smiling faces surrounded the car, outstretched arms, the car hadn't even stopped yet. Immediately hands, arms were seized by eager, happy children. Bright yellow and green uniforms contrasted the red dirt. It was a beautiful sight. As soon as the car doors opened we were bombarded with hugs and children fighting to hold our hands, wrists, arms. There were four or five buildings on the ground we now stood, some were finished and some were not. A simple school building, a grass field, women cooking on a charcoal stove. We stood on the grounds of a place affectionately known as House of Praise. 

There were many incredible and inspiring people I
had met while working in Uganda but the story I am  about to retell here by far impacted me the most. House of Praise was named after a young Ugandan woman, Praise. She was full of laughter, smiles, joy. The children all greeted her and called her mommy. I asked her when her story of taking care of children began and this is what she told me. 

The new house being built by International Voice of the Orphan

Praise lost her father at a young age and her mother was not able to care for her so she lived with her grandmother until she was 14 years old. At 14, Praise's grandmother died, living her alone, an orphan. Praise had given her heart to the Lord and was welcomed into the home of a family at her church. Before Praise turned 15 she met her first child, a 9-year-old boy named Stephen who was living on the streets of Kampala, Uganda. Like Praise, Stephen was alone. Praise took him home, cleaned him up, gave him her own clothes to wear. But despite her efforts Praise could find no one willing to care for the boy. Eventually Praise found a place for him to sleep and she herself worked to care for him, his food, his schooling, everything he needed. She fed him from her back window and eventually, Praise was caring for eight more street boys, all who found themselves alone and deserted. 

Such Joy!

The School House

When the family Praise was living with found out she was caring for these children, they kicked her out of the house. Praise and her children moved into a one bedroom house with her mother. Praise continued to work to provide and care for her children and continued to take more and more children in. She cared for them, protected them, loved them. Eventually Praise had twelve children and once again Praise found herself without a home. At 17 years old, she worked enough to find places for them to stay, moving from place to place, trusting and relaying on God to provide. 

Over time the children were adopted, two were adopted by families in the United States and ten were adopted by families in Uganda. And Praise, as she says it, was free, free to make her own choices, to live her own life, to ensure her own future. But God had a different plan for Praise. She had a dream. In her dream a man came to her with two children who were bloodied and beaten, alone and deserted. The man told Praise she needed to take the children. When Praise resisted, he told her that they had no where else to go. The next morning, Praise received a call from the police, when she arrived at the station, Praise saw the very children from her dream, they were bloodied and beaten and they needed Praise. Praise knew then that she had to submit to the plan God had for her and that's what she has been doing ever since.

Loved spending time with these precious kids!

Today Praise is 26 years old and is currently caring for 36 children. She was able to buy property, build a village school and a house. She gives thanks God daily for His grace, His provision, His faithfulness. International Voice of the Orphan is currently building Praise a new home for her children. When you talk to Praise about her story, all she does is thank God, acknowledge His goodness. When I told her she was inspiring, she told me the people who inspire her are the ones who move to Uganda from blessed countries such as America because they have given up so much to come there (talk about humbling). Joy bubbles from this incredible woman who tells stories of sharing her one pair of shoes with Stephen so they could go to school, each wearing one shoe and pretending their other foot was injured. 

One of the things that has stuck with me since meeting Praise and hearing her story was the incredible amount of faith she has, how she has trusted God, how she continues to. I am so grateful to  live in a blessed country but sometimes I think my blessings, my resources, my security get in the way of me really trusting the Lord. 

I think it is no accident that right after delivering His people from Egypt, the Lord brought them to the Red Sea (Exodus 14). There were in a impossible situation in which the ONLY answer was the Lord. They had no other options, He was their only lifeline, their only hope. I began to ask myself if I have ever really been in that situation in my life, where God was my only solution, my only hope. Believe, I am grateful knowing that there is food in the fridge and money in bank account. I am grateful for my house, washing machine, health insurance plan, my job. But I began to wonder if I really knew what it meant to trust God.

Praise, such an inspiring woman!

 See Praise was living a life of faith. God was her only solution, her only option, her only hope. And just like Praise chose to follow God's plan, so can we also. There is a passage in the gospels about the "Rich Young Man" and to me this title could be given to many believers in the United States (granted we may not all be Bill Gates rich but compared to the rest of the world, many of us are fortunate). This young man was devout follower, he practiced all the rituals, he followed all the commandments but when presented with Jesus and what is meant to truly be a follower of Christ, he was given a choice to continue as he was or to "go, sell everything you have and give it to the poor...then come follow me" (Mark 10:21). The man couldn't do it, he turned away with sadness.

We will all encounter this same moment that this young man had. We will come to place of making a choice of learning to trust God or to trust our own resources. I'm not saying we should all quit our jobs, sell everything and live on faith. Living on faith doesn't mean we live irresponsibly but I think that God wants us to come to a place where we are believing for things that are so BIG He is the only possible solution. Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still" (NIV). In the King James Version it says "ye shall hold your peace".  The thing is the Lord wants to fight for us, He wants to be our refuge, He wants to perform miracles on our behalf. Something that God has been showing me is that too often, I get in the way of Him doing that in my life. I call my mom, whip out my credit card and use my resources, blessings and wealth to keep me from seeing God do miracles in my life. 

The Lord performed an incredible miracle for the Israelites, one they never forgot. I think if that young man in the story had done what Jesus had told him, had sold everything, given it to the poor and followed God, he would have seen God do incredible miracles in his own life and the lives of others. Just like this man in the story and just like Praise, we are all going to encounter this moment. The moment we can choose to "only be still" let God fight for us, let God perform miracles, to give up our resources and learn to trust Him and see incredible things. The choice is ours. But this something God has been asking of me. He keeps saying to me, "Hope, are you going to stop doing this on your own now and let me take over? I want you to believe for big things this year because I have big things I wanna do". God wants me and you and all believers to do big things. It may not mean I sell everything, drop out of school and go on the mission field or I start taking in children or I stop using the blessings He has given me. But it might mean I believe that my entire city is going to get saved or I follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit and support a missionary even when the budget is tight or I step out and tell someone about Jesus and pray for the sick, knowing that without God I am powerless to change their situation. I'm realizing that sometimes to see God do bigs things in my life means, I've gotta let go, I've gotta go to place past where my resources can provide, I've gotta have faith for things only God can do, I've gotta hold my peace and let God fight for me. 

Few of the many children Praise cares for!

"Don't Eat Me"

"What?" I questioned, confused. "Don't eat me" repeated 7-year-old Emmanuel (Emma). Was he joking? I looked into his face, he was serious. Emma had a special place in my heart, he pulled my heart strings. He was sad, so sad, the saddest child I had ever seen. Rarely did a smile break across his face, never a laugh, hugs were forced. What horrible things must he have faced to become so hopeless? I prayed for him daily, he had started to grin lately, learning to trust again.  I stood there holding his teal blue blanket above his bunk bed, lights off, mosquitos buzzing. It was my normal goodnight ritual, tucking in the eight children that I now watched at night, pulling tight their nets (praise the Lord for those), whispering "Nkwagala nyo" (I love you so much) to each one and one peck on the forehead. I loved being the mama to these babies, singing them songs, wiping their tears when they had nightmares, morning snuggles times were my favorite.

Sweet boy Emma

As I stood there, I had no idea what this little child was talking about. This was not our first night. Eat him? What could he mean? I continued on with my goodnight ritual, including a peck on the cheek.

Everyone was tucked, goodnighted, and kissed. I gladly welcomed my 7:30 bedtime (pathetic, I know) and laid down on my foam mattress. But this was just the start of a long, tiring night, after two earthquakes and being attacked by a bird who decided to take up residence in the bathroom, 5-year-old Peace woke up screaming. Rushing to her side to comfort her, to reassure her, to love her, I met a girl whose eyes filled with horror at the sight of me. Now I was beyond confused, first of all, I didn't know birds attacked people and secondly, here was the same girl who had sat on my lap during story time now terrified of me. Emma began to speak to her in Luganda, he wouldn't translate, he wouldn't let me in on his secret. The more I listened, the more I understood, Peace was afraid of me. She was afraid to sleep with her Mzungu (white) auntie and her fear was being perpetuated by what Emma was saying. After a brief but firm discussion about being a big brother to the other children, Emma wept, his eyes were downcast, he was ashamed. Emma cried himself to sleep that night.

Love this boy

I would love to say that I was everything I should have been at that moment; patient, understanding, he was after all a 7-year-old boy that needed love. But I wasn't, I was irritated, I was angry. Here I was giving up my sleep, being eaten alive by mosquitos, waking this kid up in the middle of the night because he still wet the bed, sharing my blankets, my life, my love (haha, I had such a bad attitude). And now Emma was here making things up, telling the children I would hurt them, he knew it wasn't true, his behavior proved it. I went to bed angry (so anti-Biblical). By the next morning, Peace, Emma and the rest of the children were in my lap for story time, all was forgiven, the adventurous night before had been forgotten. And yet, I still could not understand why Emma insisted on telling me not to eat him. A few days later, the realization came; Emma had never been given kisses in his life. He perceived my comfort, my affection, my love as a threat, as a bad thing that I was hurting him, that I had bad intentions. When I went to kiss Emma, he thought I was going to eat him.

Emma enjoying a Mirinda Fruti Soda

When I was able to get over my offense and understand what Emma was telling me, two things hit me. The first was that everyone has a filter through which they perceive and a loveless filter leads to a hopeless, guarded, fearful perspective. My friend has a 10-month- old and he loves to give kisses. Big, slobbery, wide mouthed attacks right on your cheek and I love every single one of them. Why does he do this?  Because he receives hundreds of kisses from his sweet mama everyday, he is loved so he knows how to love back. Emma had been abandoned, he didn't even remember his mother. Emma did not know how to give kisses because he had never been given kisses, he didn't even recognize them when he saw them. Sometimes I meet people in my life and I am immediately turned off by their rough, angry nature. I blame it on them, our personalties just don't fit well, sometimes I just walk away offended. But just like Emma, maybe they have never received love, the unconditional kind, the forgiving kind, the gracious kind and can't recognize it when it comes much less replicate it for others. Maybe instead of giving up on them so quickly, I should ask God to help me love them, the kind of love that can break down their walls and opens their heart for God's healing to pour into their wounds. I began to wonder what happens to people when I, the representation of Jesus on the earth, don't represent God correctly. If I have a loveless perspective and therefore a loveless reality, I don't see God's love correctly so I can't give God's love correctly. Maybe because of my own pain, my issues with God, things I haven't let go of, or simply the lies that I believe, I portray a god that is so far from the merciful, loving Savior that has given everything to redeem my soul. Just like Emma, I portray through my words or actions things that aren't true. Emma told Peace things that weren't true and she looked at me differently, I began to ask myself, am I doing the same thing?

Soon after this evening, Emma discovered that I wasn't actually trying to eat him. I'm sure he felt relieved. It quickly became a game of ours. He would come up to me, holding back a grin and say "Auntie Hopu, don't eat me". Immediately Emma would find himself in my lap receiving an abundance of kisses, tickles and snuggles. Through a torrent of wiggles and laughs Emma would repeat "Don't eat me Auntie Hopu, I'm not a sweetie". (By saying "sweetie" he was referring to candy). I would of course continue giving him kisses on the cheek and respond "You are my sweetie". I loved this little boy so much and he had learned how to receive love.  When his perspective changed, his reality changed. What he had first perceived as a threat, he was now perceiving as love and affection and he couldn't get enough of it. When it was time for me to say goodbye, Emma had to be pryed off of my lap with tears (which broke my heart). This is the second revelation I received from God, something I knew but something He has been reminding me of lately. He isn't correcting me because He hates me and no, I'm not in this difficult situation because God wants bad things in my life, and yes, His plan really is better than mine and that's why He closed that door. He leads me on a different path because His is better. He really was with me through that rough patch and has proven His provision for me. God points out my sin, my weaknesses, my broken places because He loves me.

I know this sounds ridiculous to some and very familiar to others. Some might

Morning snuggles with my babies

ask, why would God correct me if He loves me, why would He point out that painful area I'm not letting go of, can't He see that that hurts me? Yes, of course He does and that's exactly why He does it. Just as it is inconceivable that any parent would not give their children kisses and other forms of physical affection, it is inconceivable that a loving God would leave me in my mess, my sin, my dysfunction and let me go my own way even though He has a better one. If anyone has ever gotten a severe burn they know the best way to prevent scaring is to scrub away the mutilated skin (talk about painful and the total opposite of what we want to do). Sure, it probably hurts at first and I might not understand it and I might not like it, just as Emma didn't understand kisses, but when I come on the other side, am I really going to regret God making me into better a person? 

As I said, to some people this is a familiar concept. I myself had heard it hundreds of times growing up, I could point to verses that support the idea, logically, I can explain it. But, I realized that in a lot of ways, I'm not really living that way. I wasn't living like I actually believed it. When I face a trial in my life, the last thing I want to do is praise God, when a friend lovingly points out a weakness in my life, the last thing I want to do is thank them, when God closes the door on a plan of mine the last thing I want to do is humbly submit to His will and when the Holy Spirit begins to pry into the hurt parts of my heart that I have hidden away, the last thing I want to do is open the door and invite Him in. But that is because my view of God is flawed, I have been lied too, just like Peace, and I can't see what He is doing is loving me.

Praying for this precious boy

This wasn't an easy pill for me to swallow, I wanted to make this reminder about other people, not apply it to my own life.  I took a long look at the lies I believed and the way I was representing God to others. This has required me to do some things I didn't want to do. These past few weeks I have let God in, I've given up parts of my heart, I've begun to praise Him when I don't want to, to trust Him when it I am afraid to do so, and I've humbly walked over to His side and said "Daddy, don't eat me" and the minute I do I find myself being pulled into the most loving embrace, filled with affection, overwhelming joy, acceptance, healing, safety, peace and a God who keeps reminding me "You are my sweetie". 


Ask God to reveal the lies you have been believing and consider these scriptures: 

"Blessed is the man you discipline, O Lord, the man you teach from your law; you grant him relief from days of trouble" Psalm 94:12-13a NIV

"For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned" John 3:17-18a NIV

"God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, is produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it" Hebrews 12:10-11 NIV

"God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him...There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out all fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:16, 18 NIV

Also, I highly recommend the book Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets Them Free  by Nancy Leigh DeMoss (even if you are a man ;) ) 

God's Gift

It only took a second. Just one look and she was mine. Soft curly hair, black eyes and full cheeks. Her name was Gift and as I held this tiny precious baby girl in my arms I knew that my heart had changed. I was working at a baby home in Uganda. This little one had been thrown down a pit latrine as a newborn (pit latrine’s are forty to fifty foot holes in the ground used as public bathrooms) and she had survived. She was a miracle, a wonder, a treasure. I had never loved a baby before but as she looked at me with searching eyes, all I wanted to do was assure her of my love, protect her from all hurt and change her future, no matter her past. She may have been cast off by others, they may have said she had no value but to me she was greatest thing in the world. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

Loving on this precious baby 

I began to long to have Gift with me at all times, just to enjoy her. Just to enjoy who she was. She didn’t do anything special, as a one month old she barely smiled but it didn’t matter if she did anything, I wanted her. I carried her around in a sling everywhere, when I did laundry, when I ate food, when I played with other kids. I just loved having her with me. Whenever I saw a pit latrine, I wept. It was unimaginable that anyone that she trusted could ever put her there.

Now, I’m not a baby person. They are cute and all but please, don’t ask me to hold them, feed them and heaven forbid change their diapers. Gift was different, somehow, her weakness made her more special to me. She needed me and it was a delight to take care of her (yes, even changing her poopy diapers). I knew I was being unfair to the other babies. When she cried, I came running. I couldn’t help it, she was mine, my favorite. I’d gladly stop whatever I was doing to come fulfill her needs. I was almost sad when she fell asleep and it was time to put her in her crib.

And then, the day came, the day for me to go home. I didn’t live in Uganda after all and even though I knew the day was coming it was worse than I could have imagined. It broke my heart. I cried every night. At the mention of her name, tears welled up in my eyes, I couldn’t stop them. I began to pray for my baby girl, I longed to have her again. I didn’t understand it. I had only had her a month. She had done nothing to earn my love. She didn’t even tell me she loved me back. How could I love so much, so quickly? I knew there was nothing I could do but pray and trust that she would be okay and maybe, maybe one day, she would come back to me.

 A few days after I left, I was in a church service. It was worship but, to be totally honest, I wasn’t praising God, I was thinking about Gift. I began to complain to God. How could He do that to me? How could I loose my baby? And then, in a gentle, soft voice, God spoke to my heart “Hope, how do you think I feel?” And then it hit me. I began to cry as I thought about God, the one who created me and you and all of humanity. He created us, loved us, made us, delighted in us. What unimaginable pain He must feel over His lost children? I had known this baby a month and I was heart broken. How much more must God ache when His babies reject Him, choose their own path, go a different way?

Gift's First Day at the Baby Home
 Right after being rescued from the pit latrine

And I’m not just talking about all the “lost” people out there in the world. I’m talking about me. I’m talking about those times that I sin. That I turn from God, when I reject Him and decide my way is better than His. In many ways, we are all like Gift. We are vulnerable, we are exposed, we don’t know who we are. And we begin to cry out in our abandonment and our pain, crying out to be saved from our circumstances. And then along comes our Father, our Savior, our God. He scoops us up out of our pit, out of the mess we are in. He cleans us off. He binds our wounds. He tells us we are lovely. He delights in spending time with us. We don’t have to do anything, we don’t have to perform, He just wants to be with us. He delights in fixing our needs, He knows our cry. He knows how to comfort us, He knows how to make us rest. We are His favorite, His delight. He just wants us. And then one day, we leave, we turn away, we take our own path. And there He is, heart broken. He cries for us, He longs for us and waits until the day we come back to Him.

Although what I had felt was only a small glimpse of God’s love, He had only revealed a sliver of His heart, I began to weep. I began to hate my sin and I began to love sinners. And there was God, ready to wrap me in His arms again. Despite the pain, despite the rejection. He didn’t see me as the child who broke His heart. He just saw me as His miracle, His wonder, His treasure, His Gift.

There are some of God’s children today who are still living in their old identity. They still believe the lies that others told them, that they aren’t worth it, that they have no value. There are some who still think they need to perform, they don’t understand that God just wants to hold them, to care for them, to protect them, to give them the best. And there are still some who are in the bottom of their pit. Without her cries, no one would have come to save Gift, they wouldn’t have known she was there. Some people are there in the pit, and God is waiting for them to cry out to Him so they too can become His Gifts.

Don't just take my word for it, dwell on these promises from the your Father God: 

“But now, this is what the Lord says- He who created you, o Jacob (insert your name here), He who created you, o Israel (your name ) ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior’” Isaiah 43:1-3 NIV

“He brought me to a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.” Psalm 18:19 NIV

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” John 14:27 NIV

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 NIV

“So he (the prodigal son) got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him” Luke 15:20 NIV 

"'Thought the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed' says the Lord, who has compassion on you" Isaiah 54:10 NIV